Cheesecakes

Cheesecake deadlift

(Via Bo’s Cafe Life.)

I’ve bought three cheesecakes this month. One was for me, I’ll admit to that straight away; the second was an apology cake; the third was for my brother’s birthday. That means statistically, one-third of the cakes I’ve bought recently have been directly related to gluttony. I’m not proud of that number, but, well, at least it’s not more than 33%. Yet.

Rock Paper Scissors Hong

Look at it this way: the more time I spend dorking around with new SuperMegaNet episodes, the less I spend hitting on unsuspecting Asian women in the frozen food section of the grocery store. It’s win-win.

I hadn’t been paying attention on the way in. I’d thought Theo had a piece of life-sized pixel art hanging on his bedroom door, but it’s really just me. I look like some kind of ancient Atari artifact. Or maybe a SuperMegaNet junkie who’s uploaded and downloaded so many hundreds or thousands of times over the years that the copies of copies of copies of myself have gradually lost all their clarity. This isn’t like having a piece of food stuck in your teeth, or a splotch of toothpaste plastered on your shirt—people are going to notice. They’re going to stare. They’re going to take pictures with their phones and post them on Twitter, Instagram, Facebook—

“Does it hurt?” Theo asks, stepping beside me, his reflection almost as ludicrous as mine, what with the mussed hair, half-missing clothes, and sleek, lemony sheen.

“Everything feels…fuzzy,” I reply. “Like leaves, or layers of construction paper.” Or something like that. “You’re good with computers. You can fix me, right?”

Theo looks at Beta.

Beta looks back at the TV.

Craps. I was afraid of that.

The premise: While dictating his living (Twitter) will and testament, Ernie reveals his affinity for a certain Stanfordian jockette. Read the full episode here.

C Windows Fail

C Windows Fail

Upgraded to Windows 10 over the weekend, realized my laptop’s card reader wasn’t working. So, I threw a fit, yelled and broke things, and re-installed Windows 8.1—only to discover that the card reader has been broken all along. #FML

(The above command is available as a T-shirt.)

New Room

New SuperMegaNet posted. It goes something like this:

“Why not just watch straight porn in which both partners are equally hot?”

“Hot guys don’t have technique. And besides, the porn industry never casts hot guys. Hetero men are too afraid of being turned on by some gorgeous dude’s smokin’ meat. That’s why hetero porn stars are so grotesque—it’s to keep straight guys from getting sexually confused.”

“If you’re just going to use your imagination anyway,” I say, “then find straight porn that has a gross guy with great technique, and, er, substitute.”

“I’m comfortable with my system. What do you have against gay porn anyway?”

“I…nothing. It’s not the gay porn that’s…I just think I’m pretty sure that…” I try to work out in my head how to explain that I’ve seen straight porn starring attractive guys (not that I noticed or anything) without admitting that I’ve ever watched porn or noticed attractive guys before, but ultimately my brain forfeits, my belief suspending itself regarding this new musclebound variation of Kevin freaking Solo and his masturbatory habits. “Maybe the guys in straight porn are smokin’, but you just can’t tell because you’re straight.”

“Interesting theory. We should totally crowdfund a study.”

The premise: Sporting a newly-torrented skin, Beta divulges his rather unorthodox methods of keeping house…and consuming pornography. Read the full episode here.