The Triple-S / S3 Classification System

The latest episode of Sunny Buns is titled “Kirk Picardo,” but really the whole thing is just an excuse for the introduction of Frankie’s Triple-S / S3 dick classification system.

“All these mommies going on daytime TV looking for their babies’ daddies—you don’t need fancy paternity tests. Want to know who the father is? Look at the dicks.”

“No thanks—”

“Dicks tend to run in families. Dad’s got a helmet, his sons tend to have helmets, too. If he’s got a giant Super Mario Bros. 1-up mushroom, well, you get the idea. Now, there are five basic types of dicks, which can be typed using the Triple-S, or S3, classification system: size, shape, shaft. Size and shape refer to the head. Shaft is self-explanatory.”

[ … ]

“Dude, what is it with you and dicks?”

“Dicks are fun. Everyone likes looking at dicks. I’m the only one comfortable enough with my masculinity to admit it.”

Touch Bar

I’ve never been much of an Apple fanboy to begin with, so I’m not too broken up over the new MacBook Pro updates, and how all the ports and SD card reader have been replaced with a Touch Bar. It’s been obvious for a while now that Apple has shifted its focus from content creators to content consumers—hence the growing need for touch in any way, shape, or form. I’m not against touch input. Touch is perfectly fine for phones and tablets, but for laptops and desktops (you know, those devices you use to actually do some work as opposed to surfing porn and YouTube), it’s failed time and time again to be anything more than a novelty. And at the moment, that’s all the Touch Bar is: a novelty. I just don’t see how having to look away from your screen at regular intervals is going to improve your productivity.

But there is potential for the burgeoning technology revolution that is genital authentication:

Ernie stands, unzips his pants, takes out his wang, and, awkwardly maneuvering his hips into position, presses it along the length of the Touch Bar.

The amazing thing: no one seems to give a shit.

Dumbfounded, I ask, “What are you doing?”

“Duh. Using the Touch Bar to unlock my new MacBook Pro.”

“With your dick?”

Ernie blinks. “How else am I supposed to unlock it?”

“I don’t know—a password, maybe? A thumbprint? Anything but your dick?”

“Passwords are so 2015.”

The girls nod in agreement.

“It’s true,” Lily says. “2015.”

View Ernie’s demo here.

The Carlton-Hart Awkwardness

My deepest apologies for allowing another new SuperMegaNet episode to leak unto the Interwebs. I’m currently working with local law enforcement to get it removed as quickly and with as little collateral damage as possible. In the meantime, the obligatory excerpt:

I follow Thrill-Kill down the hall. But instead of heading toward her office, we end up in the teacher lounge.

“Budget cuts,” she explains on seeing my curious expression. “The Boca Linda administration believes it’s more cost-effective for my office to be hosted on a SuperMegaNet server. Meanwhile, the football team just got new uniforms. Priorities.”

We sit at an empty table toward the back, and Thrill-Kill takes out her phone, fires up the SuperMegaNet app and hits “visit”—

—delivering us onto a cheesy RKO jungle treehouse movie set.

In black and white.

With me skinned as Tommy Carlton, she as Dorothy Hart—you know, Joey and Jane, from those ancient Tarzan movies?

W. T. F.

The premise: Theo loses his shirt (and gains a skin) during an awkward counseling session with Mrs. Thrailkill. Read the full episode here.

The Beginning

New Sunny Buns posted—in which the difference between nudity and sex is explained through a relevant Piers Anthony example.

It can be a difficult concept to grasp. People hear that you and your parents like to hang out naked, and they immediately picture a scenario from some steamy incest sex story. But nudity and sex are two completely different things. Most textiles (that’s how nudists jokingly refer to the clothed, by the way) don’t get this. Their only exposure to nudity is the porn they look up on the Internet, and so they grow up equating nakedness with sex. They’re turned on by every breast, butt, cock, or cunt they see online or around town. They spend their teen years trying to forge relationships based on pussy instead of personality.

Sunny Buns

I’m starting a new webserial this month called Sunny Buns. The official blurb goes a little something like this:

Fresh out of high school, and clueless as to what he wants to do with the rest of his life, Brandon Flammer takes on a summer job at a nudist resort—where a chance encounter with a random girl results in his waking the next morning to find he’s lost more than just his virginity: he’s lost the ability to wear clothes.

And that’s just the start of his troubles.

This one’s different in that it’s a little darker, and there’s more of an actual plot to it rather than the “let’s see where this goes” attitude behind SuperMegaNet. And there are a lot more naked people. Anyway, the first episode is up. At the risk of putting my foot in my mouth, let’s see where this goes…

Cockstalker

New SuperMegaNet posted at the expense of needy third-world children:

Dropping onto my hands and knees, I peer under the stall doors—at just about the exact same moment two more boys decide to enter the restroom. With cockroach-like reflexes, I scurry into the third-from-left stall, which is empty, and freeze in place, listening, waiting, hoping to God no one saw me. Jeans are unzipped; the sound of urine trickling echoes against the tiled walls; in the stall beside mine, someone’s ass puffs the word “bouffant!” during a bowel movement.

The premise: Theo learns the hard way that an ounce of cure is worth a pound of cock. Well, not really. I just wanted to say that. Read the full episode here.

Murphy’s Likelihood

SuperMegaNet, ep. 92 is up. Yes, that’s Mini quoting a line from the awesomeness that is Rush’s “BU2B.”

Begin pimptext:

“Murphy’s Likelihood,” Mini continues, “is an offshoot of Murphy’s Law. Where Murphy’s Law dictates that what can go wrong, will go wrong, Murphy’s Likelihood states that what goes wrong will occur sooner rather than later. Let’s say you get a new pair of glasses. The odds are high that you’ll damage them in some way at least once in the first year of ownership. The odds are even higher that you’ll damage them in the first half of said year rather than in the second half. Especially if you can only afford to replace your glasses once a year. That’s Murphy’s Likelihood.”

The premise: When Jan inadvertently flashes Beta and Mini, the duo explain to him the intricacies of Murphy’s Likelihood. Read the full episode here.