Suspected Crush

If you like boners, this is the SuperMegaNet episode for you:

Theo suddenly appears beside my bed. It looks as if he’s accidentally downloaded himself into my room by hitting buttons on his phone at random.

It also looks like he’s got a giant boner.

I’d been half asleep, but now I jolt upright, scooting into a sitting position with my back against the headboard, my knees tucked against my chest. With one hand I hold the blanket up to my chin; with the other I aim my phone light at Theo. “Ew! You did not just download into my bedroom with a boner!”

“Huh?” Theo blinks in the semi-darkness, glances down at the comically-oversized pup tent pitched between his legs—and sort of creates his own real-time fail video, making as if to cup his hands over his groin, stumbling away from the bed and across the room, tripping, and falling into Jack Skellington and Co. He takes down my entire collection with a muffled gasp and a soft thud.

“Theo?” I whisper, muting my phone entirely so as to banish the sounds of fucking still blaring from his phone on the other end.

“Um, yeah?” he whispers back, lying crumpled between Jack and Sally.

“What in the world are you doing?”

Theo sighs. “Oh, just having some kind of twisted nightmare. Before Christmas.”

The premise: Theo’s crush on Eva becomes known when he accidentally downloads into her bedroom in the middle of the night…with a boner. Aka, “The Dubious Misadventures of Boner Boy.” Read the full episode here.

Theo Downloads Pr0n

As if the world doesn’t have enough problems, a new SuperMegaNet episode has sneaked past the police tape and made its way online:

This is Ernie’s dying wish?” Theo exclaims. “For me to download porn for him?”

“To you and me, it’s just porn, but to Ernie, well, somewhere along the Goodale/Womack evolutionary line the libido got crossed with the digestive system. Ernie’s incessant eating is the result of generations of unnatural selection. He eats food to feed his libido, and consumes porn to feed his body.”

Theo pays Ernie another glance. “That actually makes more sense than it should.”

The premise: As Ernie’s health continues to deteriorate, Mini proposes a radical new medical procedure that may very well save his life. Read the full episode here.

Uncle Solo

New SuperMegaNet after the jump:

A pale, middle-aged woman clearly afflicted with some sort of walking dead sickness uploads into the room, shuffles into a chair. Like Beta, she placates Doctor Pain’s infamous terms of service dialog box without reading it first, and I have to wonder if anyone who uploads here reads anything.

“What do you think her problem is?” I whisper to Beta—id est, is she contagious?

“You don’t have to worry about catching anything here.” Beta waves his hand at the red McAffe shield hanging on the wall. “They’ve got anti-virus installed.”

“Yes, but McAffe?”

“What would you prefer?”

“Avira. Or a hardened Linux box.”

Beta snorts. “I doubt she’s sick enough to warrant hard Linux. Besides, the day I go to a Linux-based clinic is the day I forgive the GNOME team for the orgy of inconsistency that is GNOME Shell.”

The premise: To pass the time in an online waiting room, Theo uses “moniker” in a sentence while Beta applies the Kobayashi Maru scenario to real life. Read the full episode here.


Cheesecake deadlift

(Via Bo’s Cafe Life.)

I’ve bought three cheesecakes this month. One was for me, I’ll admit to that straight away; the second was an apology cake; the third was for my brother’s birthday. That means statistically, one-third of the cakes I’ve bought recently have been directly related to gluttony. I’m not proud of that number, but, well, at least it’s not more than 33%. Yet.

Rock Paper Scissors Hong

Look at it this way: the more time I spend dorking around with new SuperMegaNet episodes, the less I spend hitting on unsuspecting Asian women in the frozen food section of the grocery store. It’s win-win.

I hadn’t been paying attention on the way in. I’d thought Theo had a piece of life-sized pixel art hanging on his bedroom door, but it’s really just me. I look like some kind of ancient Atari artifact. Or maybe a SuperMegaNet junkie who’s uploaded and downloaded so many hundreds or thousands of times over the years that the copies of copies of copies of myself have gradually lost all their clarity. This isn’t like having a piece of food stuck in your teeth, or a splotch of toothpaste plastered on your shirt—people are going to notice. They’re going to stare. They’re going to take pictures with their phones and post them on Twitter, Instagram, Facebook—

“Does it hurt?” Theo asks, stepping beside me, his reflection almost as ludicrous as mine, what with the mussed hair, half-missing clothes, and sleek, lemony sheen.

“Everything feels…fuzzy,” I reply. “Like leaves, or layers of construction paper.” Or something like that. “You’re good with computers. You can fix me, right?”

Theo looks at Beta.

Beta looks back at the TV.

Craps. I was afraid of that.

The premise: While dictating his living (Twitter) will and testament, Ernie reveals his affinity for a certain Stanfordian jockette. Read the full episode here.

C Windows Fail

C Windows Fail

Upgraded to Windows 10 over the weekend, realized my laptop’s card reader wasn’t working. So, I threw a fit, yelled and broke things, and re-installed Windows 8.1—only to discover that the card reader has been broken all along. #FML

(The above command is available as a T-shirt.)