Turbo Kid

Turbo Kid

(Via Turbo Kid.)

Turbo Kid is Mad Max, Power Rangers, eighties morning cartoons, and a little bit of The Last Starfighter thrown in for good measure—the product of which would be a standard fare post-apocalyptic exercise were it not for an amazingly retrotastic soundtrack and liberal use of oh-so-meaty practical effects. Munro Chambers is charming enough as The Kid, a lonely teenager scavenging the wasteland for bubble gum and comic books; Laurence Leboeuf is terrifyingly comical as Apple, a wandering stranger with major fangirl tendencies; Michael Ironside is his usual antagonistic self as Zeus, self-appointed overlord of the badlands of 1997. But it’s the meat and the music that give Turbo Kid its superpowers. Gallons of fake blood and latex makeup over ho-hum digital effects. Up-tempo retro beats over wannabe John Williams or the usual no-hope electronica fare. This is the beginning of the new oldschool. In the words of Michael Ironside, “Let the juicing begin.”

Post-Traumatic Schlong Disorder

New SuperMegaNet:

I push the bathroom door open.

Inside, Theo’s put his clothes back on…more or less (his shirt’s inside out, and his pants look like they’ve found extra joints and crevices between his knees and hips). He’s kneeling slumped over the toilet bowl. His hair is mussed. There’s vomit running down his chin.

“What the hell happened to you?” I ask, stepping between puddles of puke (and what I sincerely hope is hand lotion) as I make my way to Theo’s side.

“I threw up,” he mumbles, dazed, half asleep, strung out on endorphins and rich, potent embarrassment.

“A less common way of finishing off a wank, I’ll give you that.”

The premise: Mini consoles Theo after a disasterous wank by informing him that he’s scored a 3/3 on his mom’s Parental Checklist. Read the full episode here.

The Fappening

New SuperMegaNet posted. Watch out for dickfoxes.

Obligatory excerpt:

I glance over at Beta, who’s explaining the intricacies of SuperMegaNet technology to Ernie and Jan while Ernie pokes at Jan’s pixelated form with a plastic spork. Assured that we’ve got a moment of relative privacy, I toddle up Theo’s arm and whisper into his ear, “Remember a few months ago when you were taking your morning shower and you spotted those first few short and curlies down below?”

Theo blushes. “Yeah.”

“That was the beginning—my beginning. That’s why I’m here. Like it or not, you’ve just dived headfirst into puberty. Like it or not, my power grows with each passing day, and if you keep suppressing me you’re going to explode like Emil Antonowsky in Robocop.”

Concern crosses Theo’s face. “Wait, really?”

“Well, maybe you won’t explode,” I say, ignoring the temptation to lie outright, “but you’ll certainly run the risk of becoming one of the pubescent undead, an animated body without a single spark of life inside. You’ll spend your teenage years lurching around the Boca Linda cafeteria, trying to hit on girls, but instead just drooling on their tits and leaving behind fetid chunks of boy-flesh in their Jell-O fruit cups.”

Theo looks totally grossed out.

Good—that means I’m getting to him.

The premise: Theo finally bows to Mini’s demands regarding proper care and feeding of his spunk—with disastrous results. Read the full episode here.

True Geeks

Motivational poster - true geeks

Or, we could fight a little fire with fire by having the geekly masses throw around tweets and / or status updates like, “I’m such a jock for football! #JocksRule” and, “Totally jocking out in gym class right now. #JockingOff

Suspected Crush

If you like boners, this is the SuperMegaNet episode for you:

Theo suddenly appears beside my bed. It looks as if he’s accidentally downloaded himself into my room by hitting buttons on his phone at random.

It also looks like he’s got a giant boner.

I’d been half asleep, but now I jolt upright, scooting into a sitting position with my back against the headboard, my knees tucked against my chest. With one hand I hold the blanket up to my chin; with the other I aim my phone light at Theo. “Ew! You did not just download into my bedroom with a boner!”

“Huh?” Theo blinks in the semi-darkness, glances down at the comically-oversized pup tent pitched between his legs—and sort of creates his own real-time fail video, making as if to cup his hands over his groin, stumbling away from the bed and across the room, tripping, and falling into Jack Skellington and Co. He takes down my entire collection with a muffled gasp and a soft thud.

“Theo?” I whisper, muting my phone entirely so as to banish the sounds of fucking still blaring from his phone on the other end.

“Um, yeah?” he whispers back, lying crumpled between Jack and Sally.

“What in the world are you doing?”

Theo sighs. “Oh, just having some kind of twisted nightmare. Before Christmas.”

The premise: Theo’s crush on Eva becomes known when he accidentally downloads into her bedroom in the middle of the night…with a boner. Aka, “The Dubious Misadventures of Boner Boy.” Read the full episode here.

Theo Downloads Pr0n

As if the world doesn’t have enough problems, a new SuperMegaNet episode has sneaked past the police tape and made its way online:

This is Ernie’s dying wish?” Theo exclaims. “For me to download porn for him?”

“To you and me, it’s just porn, but to Ernie, well, somewhere along the Goodale/Womack evolutionary line the libido got crossed with the digestive system. Ernie’s incessant eating is the result of generations of unnatural selection. He eats food to feed his libido, and consumes porn to feed his body.”

Theo pays Ernie another glance. “That actually makes more sense than it should.”

The premise: As Ernie’s health continues to deteriorate, Mini proposes a radical new medical procedure that may very well save his life. Read the full episode here.