Monthly Archives: April 2005

50 Things to Do in a Mall

To be completely irrelevant, here’s a cute little list Ivy sent me—before I clocked her for chain-lettering me. ;)

50 Things to Do in a Mall

1. Ride mechanical horses with coins
fished out of the reflecting pond.
2. Try pants on backwards at
the Gap. Ask the salesperson if they make your butt look big.
Dial 900 numbers from demonstration phones in Radio Shack.
Sneeze on the sample tray at Hickory Farms and helpfully volunteer to
consume its now unwanted contents.
5. At the bottom of an
escalator, scream ‘MY SHOELACES! AAAGH!’
6. Ask the sales
personnel at the music store whether inflated CD prices are in pesos
or rubles.
7. Teach pet store parrots new vocabulary that makes
them unsalable.
8. Stomp on ketchup packets at Burger King…
…but save a few to slurp on as snacks. Tell people that they’re
‘astronaut food’.
10. Follow patrons of B. Dalton’s around while
reading aloud from ‘Dianetics.’
11. Ask mall cops for stories of
World War I.
12. Ask a salesman why a particular TV is labeled
black and white and insist that it’s a color set. When he disagrees,
give him a strange look and say, ‘You mean you really can’t see it?’

13. Construct a new porch deck in the tool department of Sears.

14. Wear pancake makeup and new clothes and pose as a fashion
dummy in clothes departments, occasionally screaming without warning.

15. Test mattresses in your pajamas.
16. Ask the tobaccanist
if his hovercraft is full of eels.
17. If you’re patient, stare
intently into a surveillance camera for an hour while rocking from
side to side.
18. Sprint up the down escalator.
19. Stare at
static on a display TV and challenge other shoppers whether they,
too, can see the ‘hidden picture’.
20. Ask appliance personnel if
they have any TVs that play only in Spanish.
21. Make unusual
requests at the Piercing Pagoda.
22. Ask a salesperson in the
hardware department how well a particular saw cuts through bone.
At the pet store, ask if they have bulk discounts on gerbils, and
whether there’s much meat on them.
24. Hula dance by the
demonstration air conditioner.
25. Ask for red-tinted lenses at
the optometrist.
26. Sneak up on saleswomen at the perfume
counter and spray *them* with your own bottle of Eau de Swane.
Rummage through the jelly bean bin at the candy store, insisting that
you lost a contact lens.
28. Ask a saleswoman whether a
particular shade of panties matches the color of your beard.
In the changing rooms, announce in a singsong voice, ‘I see London, I
see France…’
30. Leave on the plastic string connecting a new
pair of shoes, and wander around the mall taking two-inch steps.
Play the tuba for change.
32. Ask the Hammond organ dealer if he
can play ‘Jesus Built My Hotrod’.
33. Record belches on
electronic sampling keyboards, and perform gastric versions of Jingle
Bells for admiring onlookers.
34. Ask the pharmacist at the
drugstore which leading cold remedy will ‘give you a really wicked
35. Ask the personnel at Pier 1 Imports whether they have
‘any giant crap made out of straw’.
36. ‘Toast’ plastic gag hot
dogs in front of the fake fireplace display.
37. Collect stacks
of paint brochures and hand them out as religious tracts.
38. Ask
the information desk for a stroller, and someone to push you around
in it.
39. Change every TV in the electronics department to a
station showing ‘Saved by the Bell’. Chant the dialogue in a robotic
voice, and scream if anyone tries to switch channels on one of the
40. Hang out in the waterbed section of the furniture
department wearing a Navy uniform. Occasionally run around in circles
yelling ‘scratch one flattop!’
41. Hand a stack of pants back to
the changing room attendant and scornfully announce that none of them
are ‘leakproof’.
42. ‘Play’ the demo modes of video games at the
arcade. Make lots of explosion noises.
43. Stand transfixed in
front of a mirror bobbing your head up and down.
44. Pay for all
your purchases with two-dollar bills to provoke arguments over
whether they’re real.
45. If it’s Christmas, ask the mall Santa
to sit on *your* lap.
46. Answer any unattended service phones
that ring in department stores and say ‘Domino’s.’
47. Try on
flea collars at the pet store while occasionally pausing to scratch
48. At the stylist, ask to have the hair on your back
49. Show people your driver’s license and demand to know
‘whether they’ve seen this man.’
50. Buy a jawbreaker from the
candy store. Return fifteen minutes later, fish it out of your mouth,
and demand to know why it hasn’t turned blue yet.

To Be Annoying (A Guide)

* Adjust the tint on your TV so that
all the people are green, and insist to others that you ”like it
that way.”
* Drum on every available surface.
* Sing the
Batman theme incessantly.
* Staple papers in the middle of the
* Ask 800 operators for dates.
* Produce a rental video
consisting entirely of dire FBI copy warnings.
* Sew anti-theft
detector strips into people’s backpacks.
* Write the surprise
ending to a novel on its first page.
* Specify that your
drive-through order is ”to go.”
* Set alarms for random times.

* Buy large quantities of mint dental floss just to lick the
flavor off.
* Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.

* Honk and wave to strangers.
* Dress only in clothes colored
Hunter’s Orange.
* Change channels five minutes before the end of
every show.
* Tape pieces of ”Sweating to the Oldies” over
climactic parts of rental movies. * Decline to be seated at a
restaurant, and simply eat their complementary mints by the cash
* only type in lowercase.

* dont use any punctuation either.
* Buy a large quantity of
orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
* Pay for your
dinner with pennies.
* Repeat everything someone says, as a
* Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: ”Do
you hear that?” ”What?” ”Never mind, it’s gone now.”
* Light
road flares on a birthday cake.
* Wander around the restaurant,
asking other diners for their parsley.
* Leave tips in Bolivian
* Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
* As
much as possible, skip rather than walk.
* Stand over someone’s
shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
* Finish the 99 bottles of beer
* Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
* Pretend
your mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.
* Try playing the
William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When
nearly done, announce ”No, wait, I messed it up!” and repeat.
Drive half a block.
* Name your dog ”Dog.”
* Ask people
what gender they are.
* Reply to everything someone says with
”That’s what YOU think.”
* Lick the filling out of all the
Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in the tray.
* Forget the
punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a ”real
* Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the
curious that you don’t want to fall off ”in case the big one
* Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything
they touch with a can of Lysol.
* Deliberately hum songs that
will remain lodged in co-workers’ brains, such as ”Feliz Navidad”,
the Archies’ ”Sugar” or the Mr. Rogers theme song.
* While
making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
* Leave your
Christmas lights up and lit until September.
* Change your name
to John Aaaaasmith for the great glory of being first in the phone
book. Claim it’s a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce
each A.
* Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing
cars to see if they slow down.
* Chew on pens that you’ve
* Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and
see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
Wear a LOT of cologne.
* Ask to ”interface” with someone.
Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is
necessary because of your ”superior mental processing.”
* Sing
along at the opera.
* Mow your lawn with scissors.
* At a
golf tournament, chant ”swing-batatatatatata-suhWING-batter!”
Finish all your sentences with the words ”in accordance with
* Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem
doesn’t rhyme.
* Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and
scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about
”psychological profiles.”
* Stare at static on the TV and claim
you can see a ”magic picture”.
* Select the same song on the
jukebox fifty times.
* Scuff your feet on a dry, shaggy carpet
and seek out victims.
* Do not add any inflection to the end of
your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that
you’ll be saying more any moment.
* Never make eye contact.
Never break eye contact.
* Signal that a conversation is over by
clamping your hands over your ears.
* Construct elaborate ”crop
circles” in your front lawn.
* Construct your own pretend
”tricorder” and ”scan” people with it, announcing the results.
Give a play-by-play account of a person’s every action in a nasal
Howard Cossell voice.
* Holler random numbers while someone is
* Make appointments for the 31st of September.
Invite lots of people to other people’s parties.