The List of Childhood Heroes

On September 1st, it was unanimously decided that all grocery stores across America should get the jump on Halloween early and stock their shelves to the ceiling with all varieties of chocolate, lolly, and gummy—and so I’ve started thinking about that dark day in late October when those of us safely out of our teens (actually, it’s just me) decide to make utter fools of ourselves by dressing up as our childhood heroes and begging for candy. Well, there are those who have the grace to simply do a party or two, maybe wear a little fake beard—but I think I’ll theorize about going all the way this year, baby.

I’ve narrowed the list of possibilities down to seven. Seeing as how I’m a Ninja Turtles freak, Donatello is, of course, the obvious choice:

However, I hear the suit weighs something like 70-90 pounds, and it takes several hours just to get in/out of it. And if anyone asked me to do a kickflip, I’d end up out of breath and on my shell, unable to get up until somebody gave me a push.

Something a little easier would be Professor Farnsworth, from Futurama:

(Good news, everyone! With only the slightest alteration, my glasses can easily resemble those of the professor!)

A minimalist approach would be to go dressed as Tarzan:

I’d save on costume costs, but then there’s the loincloth thing, and the fact that, at my height, I’d be relegated to being Boy rather than Tarzan. I’d have to get a Lex Barker look-alike to accompany me around the ‘hood or, failing that, some strange weirdo who likes to see grown men dress up as little boys. O.o

Speaking of weirdos, I’m also considering He-man:

—but wait! Did He-man always wear that pink shirt and Abba hairstyle combo?!? I swear, I don’t remember that….

Captain Kirk might be feasible:

All I’d have to do there is wear a tight-fitting yellow shirt and obnoxiously send expendable ensigns to their demise during away missions. ;)

One of the Thundercats:

Aye, but there we go with the skin-tight outfits designed to showcase those impossible physiques. I’d be more of a ThunderFat, unable to run from the cast of Cats as they pounce on me for copyright infringement.

Now, this is entirely a possibility:

I shop for my clothes in the kids’ section, and my feet are webbed—it would be the perfect opportunity to test of that laser spectroscope that’s just collecting dust in my closet.

Failing any of those ideas, I could always go back in time to the year 1995 and pretend to be the coach of the U.S. women’s gymnastics team (I had such a crush on Monica, Doni, Kerri, and Amanda back then!). Hm. On second thought, that would be the wrong kind of creepy.

I may have to resort to one of the runners-up:

Simon Belmont—it’s hard to believe the pixelated one is actually less of a square

At this point, I don’t know what’s worse: that Captain Kirk is my most likely possibility or that I’m actually dedicating time to thinking up a Halloween costume. :p