Phlegm

Ugh. The Santa Anas are kicking my ass right now. Southern California’s got a dozen wildfires raging, and everything’s blowing around every which way. Excess mucus is nothing, though. The local counties’ firefighters are surely dealing with hell on Earth, high winds, injuries, and an exhausted force at the forefront of everyone’s minds. In fact, there was a story on the evening news about how a group of news reporters covering a blaze dropped their cameras at one point and helped with the hoses. I think that’s the first time I ever felt respect for anyone in the news media. :P

And here I am, bedridden, bitching about a head swollen with phlegm and snot. I’ve spent the evening with a box of tissue and a small stack of DVDs to pass the time. They say you’re supposed to steer clear of milk and cheese while you’re congested, but I’ve come to the conclusion that those of us who are blessed with asthmatic genes will get phlegm attacks regardless of what we eat or drink. I once got one after drinking a glass of water in the morning. I can go for weeks without dairy and have just about the most miserable time ever. I figure if I’m going to have to rot in bed from time to time, I might as well do it with a bowl of ice cream or a slice of pizza under my belt.

So. I’ve been watching movies all night. I’ve learned a number of valuable things. One: The Three Stooges are excellent for clearing out the ol’ bronchial tubes. “False Alarms” does the trick for me; whenever I see Larry careening down a pole, I spend at least 10 minutes laughing / hacking my guts out. Haughing my guts out, to be more precise. You smokers know what I’m talking about.

Two: Athletes shouldn’t become actors. Case study: Weird Science (1985). I never cared for dancer-turned-actor Ilan Mitchell-Smith’s performance as Wyatt, though he did nail a perfect deadpan stare during the breakfast scene where Chet (played by my hero, Bill Paxton) confronts him about wearing women’s underwear:

The next thing you know, you'll be wearing a bra on your head!

The next thing you know, you'll be wearing a bra on your head!

I can’t believe I’d been watching this movie for nearly 20 years before I caught that little bit of comic genius!

Anyway, with temperatures slated to be in the 90s through Friday, with pine needles and ashen flakes finding their way into every one of Orange County’s nooks and crannies, I hereby relinquish myself to the new week. It’s going to be a long one. Rah.

Be well, boys and girls.