I was flexing (quite pointlessly, rest assured) in front of the mirror this morning and trying to set the mood for the anniversary of the day I was born (you can only have one actual birthday, now can’t you?) when a question popped into my mind: What does it mean to be me, a son, a brother, a citizen, a writer—a man? Is there more to it than just failed workout routines, bad relationships, and bald spots (—and worthless weblists)? “No!” said I, and shortly thereafter compiled this weblist of perks to having a kickstand over a coin-slot.
- Being a man means…
- Knowing how to assemble furniture without using all the pieces.
- Not crying during the tender parts of a chick flick, but bawling like a little schoolgirl when the Lakers lose.
- Eating a turkey sandwich while standing over your bedroom wastebasket…without a plate…on Thanksgiving Day…while wearing nothing but your underwear.
- Wearing an extra layer of clothing in order to mask certain specific odors on those hot summer days when you just don’t feel like showering.
- Leaving beard stubble in / around the bathroom sink and blaming it on your 10-year-old sister…or your 75-year-old grandmother.
- Saying “thank you” when your best buddy tells you that you look like shit.
- Dating a 40-year-old when you’re 18, and dating an 18-year-old when you’re 40.
- Giving biker names to your testicles and then using those same names on credit applications.
- Thinking of breasts during jury nominations.
- Thinking of ass during a wedding ceremony.
- Thinking of pussy during a funeral.
- Having a Christmas wish list that reads: socks, underwear, “that blonde down the street.”
- Understanding that your family will always respect the nine-to-five, minimum-wage-earning grunt in you more than they’ll ever respect (or even acknowledge) your desire to become a writer, an artist, or a porn star.
- Sleeping on the couch because you came home with knock-off brands instead of what was really on your wife’s shopping list.
- Three words: Eighteen-year commitment (sixteen if the kid goes off to college early).
- Assuming you’ll look as good in a pair of boxer briefs as does the bodybuilder on the package.
- Never saying “I’m sorry” until after you’ve beaten up the wrong guy for getting your order wrong.
(Any comments / additions / rebuttals should be directed to my MySpace page.)
@ Journal # list, manhood
Aphelion No. 117
The December 2007 double issue of Aphelion is now online. This month’s duty roster:
- Neil J. Beynon
- J. Alan Brown
- Mary Brunini McArdle
- Joel Doonan
- Jesse Gordon (aka “Who?”)
- S. H. Hughes
- Michael Joseph
- Jonathan Lowe
- Gareth L. Powell
- Frederick Rustam
- Vincent L. Scarsella
- Chris Sharp
- Gerry Sonnenschein
- Matt Spencer
- E. S. Strout
- Wayne Summers
- McCamy Taylor
- Richard Tornello
…and more—in addition to a front-page announcement from the man himself, Dan Hollifield:
There’s a new Shared Universe project underway at Aphelion. After a long delay, I finally got off my butt and wrote up Bill Warren’s suggestions for the new series into a web page. Everything is still in development, but will proceed apace once folks have had time to look it over and come up with stories. As yet, there aren’t any continuing characters. Bill has given us the hardware, the vision, the playground equipment. It’s up to us to decide how we’d like to play. I will assume the duties of series editor for it, at least temporarily. For now, send submissions and suggestions to me. Please include the phrase “BWSU” in any e-mails to me about it, at least for now. Once we get rolling, a proper title will suggest itself. Look in the Nav Bar on the left of your screen and click on the “Series” button to get to the link for the tiny bit that’s been done so far. Let’s work together on this and do something Bill will enjoy seeing.
Let the good times roll.
(And they will, now that the new Futurama movie is out. It’s the show that watches you!)
Fry's ass is a VERY crucial plot point!
@ News # aphelion, ezine, issue, zine
I threw away my Windows Vista recovery discs to make a statement. Consequently, I don’t expect to be able to use my ENE card reader ever again.
—Jesse “That Jackass” Gordon
The official bug description can be found here. Feel free to jump in if you’re using Cruelbuntu 7.10 (Gutsy Gibbon—or “Gusty Gibbon,” for those of us hardcore users) in conjunction with an ENE card reader. ;)
Oh, yeah: In my free time, when I’m not posting complaints to mailing lists, I do a little writing. My novelette “Fear Stomping” should be appearing in Aphelion any day now. “Wrong Genre,” my little homage to Ray Bradbury, is also slated for an in-the-not-too-distant-future appearance in PDF format over at the Estronomicon web site. Publication dates and URLs are soon to follow.
@ Uncategorized # card, digital, ene, reader, sd, secure