Monthly Archives: June 2009

FMyLife: I Have to Go Potty

Someone just recently introduced me to FMyLife.com, and I have to say it’s a fabulous way to burn time. Since I’m too fat and lazy to register for an account, here’s my FML contribution. There’s this cute-as-hell, totally-in-shape gal in my neighborhood who goes jogging every day with her dog. I go for walks every afternoon, so it’s inevitable that we’ve crossed paths several times before. Usually we just smile and say “hello” to each other, but the other day she actually stops to make smalltalk while she takes a breather. At last! My chance to get to know her a little better! Trouble is, I’d gotten a major urge to drop anchor five minutes earlier, and so was literally walking like some random Shaun of the Dead extra, legs squished together, spine bent in all the wrong places, hands stuffed in my pockets and grasping the edges of my underwear, sweat dribbling down my forehead, noxious gasses escaping my every orifice. My jogger angel jogs up to me, smiles prettily, asks me how I’m doing—and I just blast past her, mumbling, “I’m fine” out of the corner of my mouth. FML.

Besides shitting my pants in the presence of beautiful women, I’ve been quietly working on a new screenplay, this one about oatmeal. Pulsar Pictures is turning it into an independent film. You’ll never see another screenplay with as much fiber packed into a hundred pages. ;) That’s about all I can say right now. Some old Colossal Theatre buds will be in it. More info. when I’m allowed to blab…

What’s a Tesaurus?

Album cover for Monokle's Tesaurus

There is some real good netlabel stuff out there (Elliptic and several of Tom Larson’s mixes come to mind), but the recent iD.EOLOGY release of Monokle’s Tesaurus is something extra special. Summed up by the album’s description:

Music can act as something like an emotional anchor. Listening to some old songs will conjure up past experiences, situations and moods and will transport the listener into that state of mind he was in back then.

Tesaurus is a great blend of electronic samples with guitar and piano. It’s minimalistic (I’m all about minimalism, you know), introspective without being overly analytical, nostalgic without all the extra remorse. Ever heard millennium-era Steven Gutheinz? Tesaurus is something like that. Minimalism with meaning. Good for adding color to old memories during a long train ride. I likie very much.

Back When Game Cartridges Were Cool as Mullets

I was clearing out an abscess in my closet and found my old Game Boy, as well as a dozen game packs:

Circa 1989 Game Boy hand-held with crusty game packs

You’ll notice how much the Super Mario Land cartridge resembles a piece of spoiled fruit. That’s because I played the shiat out of it when I was a kid. I also dropped it in the toilet once or twice (who hasn’t?). Which begs the question: Why, in the middle of a bowel movement, would I need to switch games on the fly? Ah, well. It was my first Game Boy game, my first game period after several months of gamelessness (due to my mom’s previously destroying my NES with a hammer—true story). It was my initiation into the exciting world of monochrome, calculator-LCD-like portable gaming, and I was smitten. As primitive as it was, Super Mario Land was probably my favorite Mario game for the Game Boy.

Quite possibly the best overall game for the Game Boy was The Legend of Zelda: Link’s Awakening. Most ports or series installments on the Game Boy had less maneuverability than their NES counterparts, and were oftentimes visually inferior. Not so with Zelda, which utilized the Game Boy’s limited specs quite well. I was pleasantly surprised this afternoon when I tried the cart out and discovered all my saved games were still there.

There are other carts that I’m still fond of, like Castlevania II: Belmont’s Revenge and Ninja Boy…and that’s about it. Wizards & Warriors X: Fortress of Fear was a mere shadow of Ironsword. Speedy Gonzales’ soundtrack made me want to go to the dentist. Someone lent me Operation: C, and I didn’t like the controls as well as I did in Contra / Super C. But it wasn’t all crap during that gilded 1989-1990 period. TaleSpin was still on the air; Wesley Crusher was still aboard the Enterprise; Robocop hadn’t yet rusted through; the Ninja Turtles were still teenage. It was a good time to be a geekling.

(Random routine reminder: I don’t send spam from my Jessture.com e-mail address, nor from any of my other addresses. So, if you’ve supposedly received a message from me touting instant weight loss or miracle erections, know that it’s not genuine.)

Books That Taste as Good as They Read

In lieu of shelling out nonexistent big bucks for billboard space, indie / DIY authors are turning to shopping bags, cookies, and cakes. The LL Book Review posted a blog on this over the weekend, and it syncs well with the whole “wear your domain name on your T-shirt” gimmick (which I had all my friends do back in the Gordey.net days).

A cute idea:

…they made a cookie for me which pictured the cover of my novel Misfit McCabe. Sondra mentioned to me that whenever they send their Wonderlicious book out for review or send out a press release, they send along a few cookies with the package to help sweeten the disposition of the recipients. It will definitely make your submission stand out from the crowd and give the recipient something to remember you by. One other idea that will help sales along, is to have a batch of photo cookies made to give away along with the purchase of a book for book signings.

Hey, give it a try and you may even charm one of those crusty old editors who adheres strictly to his 12-point-Courier-on-plain-white-bond submission guidelines. ;)