A World Without Facebook

A World Without Facebook - Infographic

A world without The Book…hm. It would definitely be a world without Walls, a world without Updates, Likes, or Pages. It’d be a world in which teenage girls could no longer inform everyone of their exact location, mood, and playlist entry. Unless they use MySpace. It’d be a world with considerably fewer CAPTCHAs, a world without convenient photo galleries in which to store your hundreds of cell phone pics and fast food joint snapshots. In other words, a world where perverts and creeps who don’t have MySpace accounts would no longer be able to gaze longingly at your pixelated visage as they make love to a tattered pillow. (Let’s face it: Normal people don’t care about photo galleries; they only need to look at a photo once before getting on with their fucking lives.)

A world without Facebook would be a world in which the art of the talkaround is forever lost. You know, the talkaround: Someone posts a status update; someone replies to the update; a second person replies to the original poster’s update; the original poster replies to the second person, ignoring the first; a conversation ensues between the poster and the second person as if the first never existed. That would be gone forever. Unless you still use MySpace.

A Facebookless world would be a world in which the precious kilobytes wasted on this shitty blog post could be allocated elsewhere. Perhaps at a breast cancer awareness site. It would also be a world where your ex-girlfriend would have to crouch outside your house all day to stalk you (instead of merely combing through your profile looking for clues that you’ve been banging that Xerox machine chick from work on your lunch hour). In a world without Facebook, we’d actually have to face our girlfriends / boyfriends—like, face to face—when we break up with them. Or else we’d just have to go back to using SMS on our cell phones like filthy neophytes from the year 2000. We’d have to send out real, hand-crafted invitations to special events instead of poorly-spelled invites banged out in three minutes from a shitty netbook that’s missing the “r” key. Or we could use our MySpace accounts. Oh, and we’d probably never have the honor of meeting a kid named Facebook. Which is okay, because I’m sure that girl whose parents named her AOL back in 1995 is doing just peachy sixteen years later.

Finally, a world without Facebook would be a world in which MySpace had never died of cancer. RIP, MySpace.

5 thoughts on “A World Without Facebook

  1. MacTingz ·

    A world without Facebook would also be a world without subtle hints suggesting you’re, in reality far lonelier than you think. It would also be a world without advertisements that claim to cater to your interests but are always horribly misguided. It would be a world in which our technology doesn’t make assumptions about our lives based on only our Relationship Status. And most importantly, though it hasn’t happened yet, it’d be a world in which our software doesn’t become self-aware and enslave our race…

    We’d have nothing satirize and bitch about without it. But I’d opt for the continual survival of humanity over a couple of sarcy blog posts. Even if we do write great ones. Nice post man.


  2. jesse ·

    Programmers need to treat software more like a tool and less like a sentient personal assistant. Sometimes I feel like they’re trying to create the equivalent of an enhanced, adaptive-pressure butter knife that runs the latest version of Windows and can somehow turn making toast into a Zen experience. (Patent pending.)

  3. Chantella Jackson ·

    I use facebook to heal and everything. When I’m depressed, I post it and my friends can help me. It really helps because it is really a bad thing to feel suicidal and not be able to tell anyone.

  4. jesse ·

    A lot of people I know use Facebook for the same reason, and it works for them because there’s always someone online at the same time who’s willing to lend an ear. That, or after five minutes of reading how lousy everyone else’s life is at the moment, yours doesn’t look so bad by comparison. :p

    Facebook has the opposite effect on me. The more I use it, the more alienated and disconnected I feel. Oddly enough, Twitter has the opposite-opposite effect. For whatever reason it just works for me. Must be the adorable little birdie mascot. LOL

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