The Lazy Man’s Around-the-House Cheat Sheet

Laziness - because someone else will do it

There’s a running joke in my family about how my kid sister is more of a man than the rest of us guys. The reason for this: her numerous innovations in the field of effort-avoidance. They’re the inspiration behind this handy list of things you can do to get by in a familial or roommate environment while putting forth the least amount of effort—and without drawing unnecessary attention to yourself.

  • You don’t need to go all the way out onto the patio just to clip your toenails. Do it in the bathtub after your shower. You don’t even need to rinse the clippings down the drain; the next person will inadvertently do that for you when he or she takes their shower.
  • Contrary to popular belief, toilet paper does not need to be dispensed from the holder beside the toilet. In fact, it’s much safer and more convenient to simply set a fresh roll on the countertop beside the sink. Preferably when it’s wet. Anyone picky about replacing TP on the holder can now easily access the roll instead of having to dig around under the sink (or wherever it is you keep your fresh TP).
  • Find the rhythm in your roommate’s cleaning schedule, then sync yours to come later the same day. That way, you only have to tidy up.
  • Master the art of secretly adding your clothes to your friends’ or family members’ laundry loads a shirt or pair of pants at a time. By the end of the week you’ll have washed a complete outfit without spending a dime.
  • To avoid paying for your own snacks, learn to skim a single cracker or cookie from, say, five separate bags instead of five from the same one. You’ll get a nice handful of treats, and your roommates will be none the wiser.
  • Why wait for the slow-ass microwave to cook your English muffin pizzas when this will work just as well: Toast the muffins in the toaster; when they pop up, set them across the top of the toaster, quickly sprinkle some pre-shredded jack cheese onto the muffins, pour the pasta sauce right out of the jar and onto the whole deal. The excess heat from the muffins will melt the cheese and warm the sauce. Slightly.
  • Delay the onset of dish washing-induced carpal tunnel syndrome by only reaching over for the soap bottle when a plate or spoon has food stuck on it. Anything that can be wiped down with a dry hand towel can go right back into the cabinet after dinner.
  • Ever hear of compression? Just because the garbage bin under the sink is full doesn’t mean it needs to be taken out.
  • Always leave exactly one spoonful of ice cream at the bottom of the ice cream box before putting it back into the freezer. That way it’s not garbage, and so you won’t have to rinse it off and put it into the trash. Added bonus: the person after you won’t feel left out when they go poking in the freezer on a hot summer afternoon.

3 thoughts on “The Lazy Man’s Around-the-House Cheat Sheet

  1. jesse ·

    Apparently it’s giving certain specific members of my family a difficult time. Kind of like when they have trouble working the garbage bin, and end up leaving it beside the front door so as to make less work for the next person to take it out. Usually me. -.-

  2. Kwee Lewis ·

    So funny! I’d be plotting against them in less that a week, but it is a hilarious list!

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