The Oatmeal Man Gets a Date

It looks like The Oatmeal Man, that shitty little comedy / horror movie I wrote several years ago (and which my brother skillfully directed despite my questionable-at-best screenwriting skills), is actually going to be released this Halloween. It should be appearing as part of the 6th Annual Movie Celebration in Columbus Indiana. I was going to say something about the last three years finally paying off, but while checking out the B Movie Celebration site I spotted the poster for Manclam. Manclam is going to be the shit. Fuck our movie. Why? There aren’t any clams in it.

Not-Me: How come you haven’t put out any novels since Heroes’ Day?

Me: I’ve been writing screenplays.

Not-Me: Have any of them been made into movies?

Me: One of them is coming out on Halloween.

Not-Me: Oh? What’s it called?

Me: (hesitant) The Oatmeal Man.

Not-Me: You mean, like, some kind of Wilford Brimley biopic?

Me: No…more like a horror-slash-buddy-flick about a gang of friends who’re terrorized by a Quaker (cue impending lawsuit) oatmeal monster.

Not-Me: Oh.

Disappointment, followed a beat later by hesitant optimism.

Not-Me: But there are clams in the movie, right?

Me: No. You’re thinking of Manclam.

Not-Me: Oh.

I look down.

A tumbleweed rolls by.

2 thoughts on “The Oatmeal Man Gets a Date

  1. Sal Perales ·

    I for one am excited about this movie. Did you hear they used real oatmeal to make it?

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