Grand Theft Cell Phone

Trust me, I did my best to prevent it, but it looks like Vol. 5 of SuperMegaNet has gotten off to a moaning, groaning, snooze-button-pressing start over at That Blog Which Must Not Be Named. You may want to lay off the Internet for a few days until all the uncool has dissipated. Alternatively, a Firefox extension allowing you to block the site can be found here.

Obligatory excerpt:

I look out the window and wonder how seriously I’d be injured if I throw myself from the car while it’s still moving. It feels like I’ve been stuck here since December of 2011 even though it’s only been five or ten minutes. Hitchhiking with a pedophile has that effect on the passage of time, particularly if you’re twelve years old and homeless.

(It doesn’t help that Justin Bieber keeps panting “baby, baby” over and over again.)

Robbie goes on to lament the loss of Logan Lerman to adulthood. I nod and mutter an obligatory “uh-huh” every few minutes, only vaguely paying attention. I just want the car to stop at a red light long enough for me to grab Mini and do a dive roll out the door. Speaking of Mini, he’s been busy gathering the most horrific evidence from beneath the passenger seat: a bottle of Jergens, a box of condoms, a camcorder, some kind of giant toy shaped like a man’s—

—that’s it. I’m jumping. I’d rather take my chances face-surfing the asphalt than sitting here waiting for Ernie’s boy-stalker to make his move. I reach for the door handle…

The premise: Jan realizes that he’s hitchhiking with Ernie’s pedophile “friend” (and possibly worse, a Justin Bieber fan). Meanwhile, Mini-Theo explains what “muff” is. Read the full episode here.

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