Monthly Archives: June 2013

Top 10 Creative Ways of Hiding Ahnold’s Age in Terminator 5

“…the studios want me to be in Terminator 5 and to star AS the Terminator, which we start shooting in January…” (Source)

They’re doing it. T5 is actually happening—which begs the question: How will the film’s producers go about acknowledging (or denying) the 30 years of steady aging Arnold Schwarzenegger has done since the first film? Here are a few ideas:

  1. Industrial Light & (Face) Magic. Lots of it.
  2. Full beard and sunglasses welded to Arnold’s face at all times.
  3. 7-layer dip in lieu of traditional face makeup.
  4. All Arnold’s closeups shot from a minimum distance of 50 feet.
  5. Kevin Smith-grade overcoat (must meet or exceed federal guidelines).
  6. Octogenarian in the shot with Arnold at all times, so as to make him appear youthful by comparison.
  7. All walking scenes shot upside down to minimize disturbance of neck wattle.
  8. Climbing scenes – Arnold starts at the top and works his way down; shot is reversed in post.
  9. Running scenes – Footage recycled seamlessly from the airport scene in The Running Man.
  10. Start rumor that Brent Spiner is reprising his role as Data in the next Star Trek; use as smokescreen.

No Copies Allowed

Looks like another SuperMegaNet episode is out. In Otto’s own words, “You think you get them all, but you forget about the eggs.” And so forth.

Obligatory excerpt:

Okay, so, if a plush manifestation of your spunk gets hit by a car, do you feel the impact?

Regardless of the answer, I brace myself, squeezing my eyes shut, gritting my teeth, and going rigid from head to toe. Just so I’ll be ready when it hits me. Which, it turns out, it doesn’t. There’s no physical pain or discomfort, only the social awkwardness of having just performed an impromptu constipation impression—for no reason—in front of Beta…and the fact that my butt crack has inadvertently swallowed the seat of my pants.

Which is what happens when you flex too hard.

The premise: Jan at last downloads into Theo’s bedroom—only to find that he’s not welcome. Sort of. Read the full episode here.

Puppet Wang

Oh, that’s right: I posted a new SuperMegaNet episode late last month. How silly of me not to mention it here…unless that was my devious plan all along.

Obligatory excerpt:

“Take some pictures of your dick before we upload.”

I blink back at Mini. “What? Why?”

Mini rolls his eyes at me. “Phone is left somewhere obvious. Phone is found preloaded with pictures of an underage kiddie’s junk. Phone’s owner is whisked off to a nice, cozy prison cell.”

I can see the potential of Mini’s proposal, but to tell you the truth, I’m not too fond of having pictures of my penis floating around on Robbie’s phone. What if the person who finds it also happens to like little boys? Or what if whoever finds it simply returns the phone to Robbie without poking through his files first? I’ll just be doing him a favor.

“I think I’ll keep my private parts to myself,” I tell Mini.

“Just shoot from the waist down,” he says. “It’s not like anyone can ID you from looking at your groin.”

“Underwear was invented for a reason: to keep certain body parts under.”

The premise: About to upload to Theo’s for the night, Jan and Mini argue over the validity of jail-baiting Robbie’s cell phone with pictures of Jan’s, er, cash and prizes. Read the full episode here.