Rock Paper Scissors Hong

Look at it this way: the more time I spend dorking around with new SuperMegaNet episodes, the less I spend hitting on unsuspecting Asian women in the frozen food section of the grocery store. It’s win-win.

I hadn’t been paying attention on the way in. I’d thought Theo had a piece of life-sized pixel art hanging on his bedroom door, but it’s really just me. I look like some kind of ancient Atari artifact. Or maybe a SuperMegaNet junkie who’s uploaded and downloaded so many hundreds or thousands of times over the years that the copies of copies of copies of myself have gradually lost all their clarity. This isn’t like having a piece of food stuck in your teeth, or a splotch of toothpaste plastered on your shirt—people are going to notice. They’re going to stare. They’re going to take pictures with their phones and post them on Twitter, Instagram, Facebook—

“Does it hurt?” Theo asks, stepping beside me, his reflection almost as ludicrous as mine, what with the mussed hair, half-missing clothes, and sleek, lemony sheen.

“Everything feels…fuzzy,” I reply. “Like leaves, or layers of construction paper.” Or something like that. “You’re good with computers. You can fix me, right?”

Theo looks at Beta.

Beta looks back at the TV.

Craps. I was afraid of that.

The premise: While dictating his living (Twitter) will and testament, Ernie reveals his affinity for a certain Stanfordian jockette. Read the full episode here.