Monthly Archives: November 2016

Touch Bar

I’ve never been much of an Apple fanboy to begin with, so I’m not too broken up over the new MacBook Pro updates, and how all the ports and SD card reader have been replaced with a Touch Bar. It’s been obvious for a while now that Apple has shifted its focus from content creators to content consumers—hence the growing need for touch in any way, shape, or form. I’m not against touch input. Touch is perfectly fine for phones and tablets, but for laptops and desktops (you know, those devices you use to actually do some work as opposed to surfing porn and YouTube), it’s failed time and time again to be anything more than a novelty. And at the moment, that’s all the Touch Bar is: a novelty. I just don’t see how having to look away from your screen at regular intervals is going to improve your productivity.

But there is potential for the burgeoning technology revolution that is genital authentication:

Ernie stands, unzips his pants, takes out his wang, and, awkwardly maneuvering his hips into position, presses it along the length of the Touch Bar.

The amazing thing: no one seems to give a shit.

Dumbfounded, I ask, “What are you doing?”

“Duh. Using the Touch Bar to unlock my new MacBook Pro.”

“With your dick?”

Ernie blinks. “How else am I supposed to unlock it?”

“I don’t know—a password, maybe? A thumbprint? Anything but your dick?”

“Passwords are so 2015.”

The girls nod in agreement.

“It’s true,” Lily says. “2015.”

View Ernie’s demo here.