Tag Archives: Fiction

New Room

New SuperMegaNet posted. It goes something like this:

“Why not just watch straight porn in which both partners are equally hot?”

“Hot guys don’t have technique. And besides, the porn industry never casts hot guys. Hetero men are too afraid of being turned on by some gorgeous dude’s smokin’ meat. That’s why hetero porn stars are so grotesque—it’s to keep straight guys from getting sexually confused.”

“If you’re just going to use your imagination anyway,” I say, “then find straight porn that has a gross guy with great technique, and, er, substitute.”

“I’m comfortable with my system. What do you have against gay porn anyway?”

“I…nothing. It’s not the gay porn that’s…I just think I’m pretty sure that…” I try to work out in my head how to explain that I’ve seen straight porn starring attractive guys (not that I noticed or anything) without admitting that I’ve ever watched porn or noticed attractive guys before, but ultimately my brain forfeits, my belief suspending itself regarding this new musclebound variation of Kevin freaking Solo and his masturbatory habits. “Maybe the guys in straight porn are smokin’, but you just can’t tell because you’re straight.”

“Interesting theory. We should totally crowdfund a study.”

The premise: Sporting a newly-torrented skin, Beta divulges his rather unorthodox methods of keeping house…and consuming pornography. Read the full episode here.

BU2B

The dusty corpse that is SuperMegaNet has been dragged out of its coffin and dressed up for yet another episode. The sooner we get through this, the sooner it’ll be over:

“It’s not the money.” I think for a second. “Well, it is the money, I guess. Mom and I make more than enough to cover all our expenses. Dad’s income is what goes into the savings account, or pays for any miscellaneous stuff. He’ll never admit it, but staying with Mr. Nakayoshi is his way of keeping his pride. He makes less than us, he took my mom’s surname when they married, he does all the cooking—not that I’m saying any of that is uncool or anything. I just think my dad’s having a hard time with it. Like, he wants to be this modern-day, trendy dad who lets his business-minded wife head the household with him as support, but his old-school upbringing won’t let him live it down. His job is what makes him a father and a husband, and not just some dude living in my mom’s house.”

“That’s deep,” Jan says—the universal response to something heartfelt and meaningful that you’ve only partially understood.

The premise: Struggling to come to terms with the growing tensions between his parents, Theo ends up flipping out. Literally. Read the full episode here.

The Great Spandex Debate

A new SuperMegaNet episode has slipped past quality control:

“Spandex is the polite version of naked. Everyone knows that.”

“Okay, wearing Spandex is not the same as going naked.”

“You could spray-paint your bare buns and get the same effect. Just saying.”

Theo’s mom snickers. “Spray paint shorts wouldn’t be shorts at all—you’d still be naked. Compression shorts have contour. They define, yes, but you still can’t actually see what’s underneath.”

“You don’t need to see what’s underneath. You’ve already got the gist of it. That’s the point.”

The premise: Theo’s parents are arguing…about Spandex. Read the full episode here.

Throw On

New SuperMegaNet episode after the jump to hyperspace:

“What are they talking to your grandpa about?” Jan whispers, his eight-bit physique trembling under Ernie’s weight.

“He’s not my grandpa,” I reply, wondering if Jan didn’t just see Nakayoshi’s groping, or if Czech grandpas pat their daughters on the butt during social occasions as handily as French people kiss each other on the mouth when saying hello or goodbye. More importantly: why does Dad put up with this? I mean, the obvious answer is that he puts up with it to keep his job, to keep the peace—to suck up to the man who can make him or break him. Or maybe he’s cool with it. Oh, God—maybe Mom’s cool with it. Maybe she’s not as innocent and naive as I’d once thought, but actually likes the way Nakayoshi flirts with her.

The premise: Home at last, Theo and Jan must figure out how to smuggle Ernie’s comatose mass past a drunken, flirty Mr. Nakayoshi. Read the full episode here.

Urban Tactics

New SuperMegaNet episode posted over at that place where the cool kids aren’t allowed:

“There’s a police car right behind us!”

“It’s not right behind us. It’s at least several car-lengths away.”

“Like that matters? In a few seconds it’s going to sidle up alongside us, the cop’s going to flash his lights, blare his siren, tell us to pull over. He’ll ask to see some identification, I’ll show him my school ID, and that’ll be it. Handcuffs, the backseat of a squad car, overnight behind bars, Mom in tears when she shows up tomorrow morning with the $500,000 to bail me out in time for the hearing—”

“$500,000?” Ernie sneezes offensively; I can feel his mucus soaking through the fabric of my shirt. “Dude, don’t act like you’re worth anything less than a cool million.”

The premise: Mini improvises a diversion in order to avert a troublesome cop’s attentions—with unintended consequences. Read the full episode here.

Animatronic Ventriloquism

I don’t have much time for writing these days, but when I do, I like to check in on the comings and goings of Theo and the boys. Ie, a new SuperMegaNet episode has been posted over at the Bermuda Triangle of the Internet.

Obligatory excerpt:

…I quietly and carefully reach into my pocket, pull out an old receipt. I crumble it, toss it over my shoulder.

“What was that?” Jan asks.

“My dignity,” I reply.

“On a piece of paper?”

“Yeah.”

“Oh.” A pause. “Is that an American thing?”

“No,” Mini replies on my behalf. “It’s a pompous southern-Californian thing.”

“It was to make a point,” I clarify.

“It was also littering.”

The premise: Bummed about having to smuggle Ernie, Jan, and Mini home after curfew, Theo finds inspiration in the motivational cornucopia that is Surf Ninjas. Read the full episode here.

In Ernie’s Time of Dying

I’m still lagging this month, but have nevertheless managed to squeeze out a new SuperMegaNet episode despite tax season, the time change, and the heady pleasures of book formatting.

Obligatory excerpt:

Putting Mini in my pocket, I ascend the final ladder and climb onto the topmost platform, where Ernie lies wrecked.

(Before we go any further, I should point out that Ernie is by no means a polite or gentle snorer. He’s one of those people who sleeps with his head thrown back and his mouth wide open, the most horrendous gurgling, choking, and wheezing noises emanating from somewhere deep down inside his throat. There are literally Z’s rising above his head. How his body is getting enough oxygen is beyond me.)

I crawl over to where he is. His sleeping bag is bundled tight—like a cocoon—and his neatly-parted hair glistens with some kind of viscous pomade. His shirt collar is buttoned tight around his neck. “Ernie?” I whisper, poking him.

The premise: Theo struggles to come to terms with Mrs. Womack’s “death,” as well as the whole perceptive flux thing in general. Meanwhile, Mini suggests a radical, sexy miracle cure for Ernie’s mystery illness. Read the full episode here.

Honkey Kong

Recycled / pasted together from various Facebook status updates and craftily passed off as my own original work, SuperMegaNet ep. 7.2, “Honkey Kong,” is now live over at that place where all the dead sea lions washed up.

Obligatory excerpt:

“Oh, for crying out—to hell with both of you!” Mini scampers onto the ground and starts across the driveway. “I’ll take care of this myself!”

I watch him go, toddling, tripping, cursing, toddling some more, tripping again…and I realize he’s destined for doom. Even if he makes it all the way to the top of Mrs. Goodale’s girder palace, what then? Throw Ernie over his shoulder and book like the dickens? Fight Mrs. Goodale to the death? Either way he’s going to be crushed—and I’ll admit, while part of me would like to be rid of the plushness, another more exasperating part is wondering: What happens to me if Mini dies? Does a part of me die, too? Do I die?

The premise: Theo battles Mrs. Goodale—er, Womack—atop an 8-bit girder palace. Read the full episode here.