Tag Archives: nsfw

Totally Naked Bucket List

Bucket list - go to a nude beach

(Via the deep : the shallow.)

Not that I’m a proponent of nudism or anything. I think it’s silly to shop for groceries or check the mail with the ol’ wang hanging out all friendly-like. But there are several occasions on which I’d one day like to shun my textile upbringing and embrace my inner sun-worshipper.

Commence clothing-optional bucket list:

  • Visit nude beach (of course).
  • Run laundry down to laundromat in the buff; blame economy for forcing middle America to choose between gas for their cars and clothes for their children.
  • Step out onto balcony immediately after morning shower and read The Family Circus while fanning nether beard.
  • Pose nude for art class while shredding Monterey Jack cheese onto chest, a la Terrence Maddox.
  • Win first place in nudist beauty pageant after “mysterious” suntan lotion blight disqualifies all other contestants. (WTF??)
  • Sleep in naked so that rest of family are more likely to be super-embarrassed when barging into bedroom.
  • Apply for job as otherwise placid nude greeter at Wal-Mart.
  • Travel back in time to when best friend’s smokin’ hot sister was twenty-one; activate naked coed sleepover mode.

Yep. Totally naked bucket list, just as soon as I start hitting the gym again and getting rid of them man-boobs…and the beer belly…and the backwards biceps…and the…fuck it. I think I’ll just keep my clothes on.

Alicia Sacramone Rocks the Body Issue

Alicia Sacramone Rocks the Body Issue

On hearing the news last month that Alicia Sacramone (you know, the hawt one from the Beijing games) was slated to pose in the buff for ESPN the Magazine’s 2011 “The Body Issue,” the dirty perv inside of me (you know him as Ernie Goodale) made a rude gesture with his hand and shouted, “Fuck yeah! Alicia Sacramone’s finally getting naked!” Meanwhile, my overly-respectful fanboy persona (you know him as Theo Smole) was thinking, “Ew. I hope it’ll be tasteful—like, church-naked and not adult site 30-day trial naked.” Now that the magazine has hit newsstands, I can safely say my creepy expectations have been far exceeded.

This was supposed to be Hope Solo’s issue (she’s on the cover), but Sacramone has totally stolen her thunder. And I’m not just saying that because I happen to be a sweaty, greasy, cave-dwelling Sacramone fan. The other athletes featured all have swag—but in the Hope vs. Sacramone debate I think Matt Faulconer puts it best in his Bleacher Report editorial:

If I saw [Hope Solo] standing in front of me like that, I would be horrified. The look on her face alone makes me want to run away and hide.

Plain and simple: Solo got snapped in an awkward pose. These things happen. Meanwhile, there’s Sacramone over there looking all perfectly poised. I daresay hers is the most gorgeous spread in the entire issue (Sylvia Fowles’ is a close second), besting out everyone else in terms of elegance, lighting, decor, and, yes, that rocking bod.

Added bonus: Now that the clothes have come off, gymnastics fans are taking to forums across the Net and vehemently shoulding all over the place, both for and against the idea of a USAG athlete going bare-bottomed.

Well done, Miss Sacramone.

I’m Not Unemployed. I’m NSFW.

I'm Not Unemployed. I'm NSFW.

One of the jokes I tell people after eight years working for myself as a webcartoonist is that I’m probably not able to work a normal job anymore. Eight hours a day with a break for lunch? The ability to blame other people for my mistakes? Does not compute! (and I do not commute)

That’s Richard Stevens on doing T-shirts to celebrate eight years of being self-employed. I’m getting one. Lord knows I need to maintain a sense of humor and pride about the whole self-publishing thing. It’s been the hardest, scariest thing I’ve ever done. And it’s also been the most rewarding, though that doesn’t always translate into dollars or sexy babes. Mostly it’s me meeting someone at a party and getting a weird look when I mention that I’m a writer. Or it’s me choosing “unemployed” whenever I fill out the occupation section of any given form. They all list every job in the world except for “writer.” Or flair bartender. Eff that. I’m not unemployed, I’m NSFW.

(FYI, if you want the T-shirt, you should know that Richard is doing this as a limited run that ends May 31, 2010.)

Selling Yourself…or Parts Thereof

Perhaps not the best example of modern technology after all...

There’s a popular saying among the publishing elite: Books don’t sell themselves. You have to be your own best asset. For the gang here at Vertigo Alley Publishing, some days are better than others. Some weeks you sell 15 books, others you sell 5, and most you sell none. Likewise, sometimes your audience gets it, and oftentimes they don’t. That said, it’s been a tough quarter.

Take this recent flyer / e-card for The Reformed Citizen:

Gnobby says...

Everyone at the office thought it was a riot. Well, everyone except Nate:

A productive worker is a well-rested worker

(But he’s always been lethargic—we think he’s been diagnosed with narcolepsy.)

Anyhow, we thought gnomes would be a cute little gimmick to move some books, but instead we discovered that while garden gnome sales across southern California had quadrupled, sales of The Reformed Citizen remained unaffected.

Then there were our packaging issues. Take the original cover for “Babe,” which was banned from MySpace due to its graphic nudity and blatant sexual content:

A prime example of lewd behavior

The solution, we thought? MySpace stickers, 400 for a dollar at your local Big Lots:

MySpace is the best place, the best place...

The result: In late August, MySpace had its 1 billionth member sign up for an account.

In early September, a memo reading, “A babe in the buff holds a copy of The Reformed Citizen” accidentally got interpreted as, “A buff babe holds up a copy of The Reformed Citizen.”

Um...no

Once we recalled all the posters and billboard panels, we thought it would be a good idea to leave the provocative packaging / advertising at the side of the road for a while and try something more subtle:

We should have learned our lesson after the first gnome mishap

Alas, this approach led to a bitter political dispute resulting in Massachusetts democrat Jesse Gordon being awarded ownership of the jessegordon.com domain.

The dingleberry on the shit sundae was the Toronto release of Stories from the Steel Garden:

A boisterous crowd despite the elements

The book store was snowed in, which may have been understandable—had not this picture been taken in July.

But I’m not discouraged, and I don’t think any of the Vertigo Alley staff are either. Gnomes, politicians, freak snowstorms, and female bodybuilders aside, the Christmas season is fast approaching, and we have a plethora of ideas up our collective sleeves, including (but not limited to) our new sales manager, Mr. R. Santa—

Ho, ho, ho

—and less-offensive uniforms for our couriers:

Meet Dick - he's always hard at work

We’re confident that the above ideas, along with the introduction of an 18-hour workday, will bring our sales back up out of the red. Let the aggressive marketing blitz begin!