Tag Archives: the oatmeal man


The Oatmeal Man

With just two days until the finish line, it looks like The Oatmeal Man Indiegogo campaign won’t quite reach its original goal of $10,500. The good news is, it has hit its DVD milestone, which means that while we haven’t raised enough funds to get the film onto Netflix, iTunes, Redbox, etc. just yet, our contributors will be getting their shiny, limited edition, two-disc DVD sets come July. A humongous thank-you to each and every one of our honorary Oates who joined the campaign, rallied our high-fiber cause, or otherwise supported this silly little tale about a humble cereal killer and his unsuspecting victims. You rawk.

The movie’s a hard sell; we knew that going in. Manclam, at least, has scientific value. But an oatmeal man? Come on. No one likes oatmeal. To be honest, I didn’t think we’d even get $100—so, it’s a pleasant surprise that we’ve made it this far. Again, props to our backers. And for those who aren’t able to contribute this time around, hang tight: we’re still working on finding a distributor for a wider DVD release in the not-too-distant future.

As there is still a little sand left in the hourglass (two days, as of this writing), here are some links for any last-minute contributors:

Lastly, don’t forget to eat your oatmeal. ;)

The Oatmeal Man Indiegogo Occurrence

(Don’t let the scandalous video thumbnail above throw you: The Oatmeal Man is so much more than just bikini babes. It’s bikini babes and oatmeal. If that sort of thing tickles your fancy, read on…)

Okay, the ADD version: spare some change?

The long version: A few years ago the bro and I started making a comedy / horror movie called The Oatmeal Man. Well, Sean made the movie—I merely compiled the screenplay from bits of copied and pasted Facebook status updates, and showed up on set at inconvenient times to complain about how all my interpretive dance scenes were being misdirected (they were removed from the final cut). Just kidding…maybe. Regardless, we’ve been working on the thing steadily in our spare time, between the ol’ day job(s) and yer good ol’ fashioned familial obligations. Now, thanks to what I can only describe as an amazingly talented group of cast and crew warriors, it’s done. Finally. Principal photography (whatever that means) has been completed, the film has been edited, and all that remains is the pressing of DVDs, the ordaining of a little on-demand distribution.

To that end, we’ve set up an Indiegogo campaign to help raise funds for The Oatmeal Man’s impending release. You can contribute as much or as little as you want. If you don’t want to contribute monetarily, no worries. Share the campaign link on your Facebook or Twitter page—or, and this is what I plan to do, climb into your neighbors’ bedroom windows at night and whisper the campaign URL into their ears repeatedly until the police arrive.

So, there you go. My little “help feed the (oatmeal) children” spiel. The Oatmeal Man isn’t going to win any fancy awards or go down in record book history as Horror Film with the Highest Fiber Content, but it will be fun. It’s a comedy / horror flick for people who like cheese on their TV screen as well as on their pizza. If that gets you salivating, then let’s make beautiful breakfast together.

Just so you know what you’re getting into:

Let’s sow some wild Oates. ;)

The Oatmeal Man Gets a Date

It looks like The Oatmeal Man, that shitty little comedy / horror movie I wrote several years ago (and which my brother skillfully directed despite my questionable-at-best screenwriting skills), is actually going to be released this Halloween. It should be appearing as part of the 6th Annual Movie Celebration in Columbus Indiana. I was going to say something about the last three years finally paying off, but while checking out the B Movie Celebration site I spotted the poster for Manclam. Manclam is going to be the shit. Fuck our movie. Why? There aren’t any clams in it.

Not-Me: How come you haven’t put out any novels since Heroes’ Day?

Me: I’ve been writing screenplays.

Not-Me: Have any of them been made into movies?

Me: One of them is coming out on Halloween.

Not-Me: Oh? What’s it called?

Me: (hesitant) The Oatmeal Man.

Not-Me: You mean, like, some kind of Wilford Brimley biopic?

Me: No…more like a horror-slash-buddy-flick about a gang of friends who’re terrorized by a Quaker (cue impending lawsuit) oatmeal monster.

Not-Me: Oh.

Disappointment, followed a beat later by hesitant optimism.

Not-Me: But there are clams in the movie, right?

Me: No. You’re thinking of Manclam.

Not-Me: Oh.

I look down.

A tumbleweed rolls by.

Doing Lines

Snot-nosed little pipsqueak mode activated

I think that by the time we actually manage a final cut of The Oatmeal Man it will be about two sisters coming to terms with the death of their mother as they struggle to change a flat tire in the middle of the desert. We watched the latest “Titillation Edition” cut two weeks ago, and while our test viewer response was mostly positive (in other words, the stuffed animals we set in front of the TV didn’t catch fire), Sean decided that we need to film another handful of small scenes to support the new subplot.

(Yeah, you heard me. I just used the word “subplot” in reference to a movie called The Oatmeal Man.)

Last week, I wrote the girls some lines involving a strip club and a hotel room. If all goes well, the emphasis on bras and underwear will make a smooth transition from page to screen. Sal doesn’t know it yet, but he’ll be serving as butt double for any ladies shy about showing off their derrieres. It’ll be fun. Sean told me he wanted dialog that gives the girls personality—enough so that if and when they face danger, you’ll care enough about them to, um, care. But nothing overkill, nothing of Kevin Smith caliber. (It should be noted here that I love Kevin Smith. To an extent that goes beyond orthodoxy—wait, what?)

Speaking of dialog, here’s a little story about Eddie and his epic lines. Back in the pre-production days, when I was writing his character, I had this antsy, thinks-faster-than-he-speaks kind of guy in mind. Someone who could spit out his words in rapid succession. So, I gave Eddie longer lines, thinking that since the actor who played him would be talking much faster than normal, it would even out. I even made a note regarding this in Eddie’s first scene.

What ended up happening, though: that particular scene was removed from the script. Later, when John Karyus (who’s fabulous as Eddie, just so you know) got the part, there was little (if any) indication that his character was supposed to talk a certain way—and his approach was to do the complete opposite of what I had in mind. That is, his version of the Eddie character speaks slowly, whimsically. Lots of lines + slow delivery = writer and director scratching their heads until director punches writer in the mouth for fucking the dialogue up. With a little creative editing, though, Eddie’s lines have been tamed, and the result is creepily quirky. Pure Karyus, guaranteed.

The lesson here: Never delete a scene before reallocating any relevant bits of information contained therein. That’s writer speak for, “Check your shit.”

That Day YouTube Gave Us Egorections

Sean puts on his best Hitchcock at the Oates mini-screening

Sean and I got egorections the other day during post work on The Oatmeal Man titillation scene. On a break, we searched for something like “really cheesy horror” on YouTube—and that’s exactly what we found: killer dinosaurs dismembering bad actors, severed heads gnawing at exposed necks, zombie-ass-kicking priests, and bespectacled nerds foreshadowing about trolls.

While we were waiting for video clip #5 to load, Sean turned to me and said, “Dude.”

“Huh?” I asked.

“Our movie is at least as good as these.”


YouTube, I love you. ;)

(BTW: Sexy new Oates wallpaper posted at The Oatmeal Man Twitpic page: http://twitpic.com/2hognx.)

As if the oats had become both instant and original

Claude warms to the cast and crew

Just to keep the smell of moldy oats wafting about: Yes, The Oatmeal Man is still being made, no, there’s no truth to the rumor that Sean has accepted an offer from Paramount to turn the film into a Wilford Brimley biopic. I just started that rumor right now.

There’s no new video blog this week because everyone’s busy doing their own thing. There is news, though. The newly-filmed “titillation” scene (I can’t say more, for fear of what Director Sean’s lawyers will do to me) is looking really good. Our lovely actresses did a wonderful job being terrified. Most of the visual / sound effects have been applied, bringing things up to par with the introductory Rich & Ann exhibitionist sequence. The biggest plus here is that Sal’s luscious ass is no longer the only bit of bare flesh present throughout the movie, and we now have a bridge between both the silly and the serious.

Four months ago, I thought we had it right when the movie was primarily a buddy flick that gradually turned into a horror flick. But the transition was too slow. We ran the risk of losing the buddy movie fans after the second half, and losing the horror fanatics after the first ten minutes. Now I think we’ve got a little something for everyone. Unless you’re allergic to oatmeal. If that’s the case, you’re screwed.

In lieu of some bonus footage or a groovy wallpaper (since we just don’t have anything new this week), here’s a little behind-the-scenes story to make this week’s blog special: During the road trip sequence toward the beginning of the movie, Lisa shows off her appreciation for 70’s rock trios by ripping on Emerson, Lake & Palmer. There’s supposed to be a joke about Greg Lake fucking up the rock trio formula, something along the lines of, “You’ve got one of the greatest keyboard players of all time, one of the greatest drummers…and Greg Lake.” But Moira Dennis (who did a wonderful job playing Lisa, by the way) didn’t quite get the joke, and ended up delivering the punchline with Greg Lake on a pedestal. No one on set caught this but me—because I’m the only poor bastard who still listens to 40-year-old prog records while trimming his handlebar mustache. It’s probably better we left the joke out of the final cut.

Note on punctuation: Why does the official “Emerson, Lake & Palmer” punctuation have Greg Lake and Carl Palmer paired against Keith Emerson? Shouldn’t it be, “Emerson, Lake, and Palmer?” It’s shit like this that really bugs me…

Before video, vlogs were called blogs

The Oatmeal Man - Clive's Wallpaper

The Oatmeal Man Facebook page doesn’t have a new vlog this week, so I’m going to try something different, something called a “blog.” It’s basically a vlog without video. Kids used to do them all the time in the early days of the Internet. You know, the AOL days. No, I don’t know what AOL stands for, either.

As I said, this week’s The Oatmeal Man video blog is nonexistent. Why? I’ll tell you why: Director Sean is off with his crew preparing to shoot an extra scene for the movie. Why? I’ll tell you why again: During our most recent Oates sleepover / clothing-optional critiquing party, it was suggested that the current “festival cut” we have, while darned good-looking, is actually two distinct movies vying for domination. One is a buddy film about Clive and his friends; the other is a high-fiber horror flick that kicks in about halfway through. While the film works this way, Sean thinks (and I agree) that we can do better. The consensus is that we need to pick one angle over another and then run with it. We have, and that’s what Sean is working on. I’d go into further detail were it not for the leg-breaking clause in my contract.

In the meantime, Clive’s desktop wallpaper has been posted (click above for full-sized version). But that’s not really news unless you’re into pictures of foul-mouthed, cigarette-smoking dudes who like to watch porn while scarfing dollar cheeseburgers.

I know I say this every blog entry, but it’s true: we’re getting there. Sometimes seeing the same film every other day can desensitize you to the whole thing. Even so, I always find myself pleasantly surprised each time through. Like when it comes to ADR. I never knew filmmakers still did that, and I thought we were kind of cheating when Sean started bringing the actors and actresses in for voice work. Hearing the result, though, I can’t imagine that any good movie team out there doesn’t do at least a little ADR.

Interesting tidbit: John Karyus (who plays Eddie) is the only one who hasn’t done any ADR—but you’d never know it from the sound of him.

Enunciation is what separates the men from the boys. ;)