For reasons that are quite possibly beyond human understanding, the world as we know it did not come to an end in 2012—which means that it, much like the ragged, sleepwalking corpse that is SuperMegaNet, shall continue to lurch onward into 2013. To that end, episode 5.3, “Bedroom Apocalypse,” is up at the usual place.
I close and lock the door, pressing my back up against it. “Beta?”
Beta shakes his head, as if coming out of a trance, and looks at me. “Oh. Hey, little dude.”
“What the heck happened to my room?”
A coyote howls in the distance.
Beta says, “You’re not going to believe me.”
I pay the mountain of skulls another glance. “There’s a pile of human skulls now occupying my bedroom. I don’t think anything you say can be more unbelievable than that.”
The premise: Discovering that his bedroom has been utterly ransacked, Theo comes to terms with the possibility that Mini may be harder to control than he first thought. Read the full episode here.
SuperMegaNet episode 5.2, “The Nakayoshi Factor,” has been posted over where the sun don’t shine. Theo hasn’t seen some action in a while, so I figured it was time to change that. Hence the reason for the darker, more introspective feel this time around…because Theo’s a dark, introspective kind of guy.
I suppose there’s a silver lining to all of this: Mr. Nakayoshi’s presence tonight has afforded me a certain level of anonymity. No one’s fussing over me, no one’s hovering over my shoulder and waiting for one of my contacts to fall out so that they can swoop in and catch it before it hits the floor—which is pretty much all Mom and Dad have been doing since finding out about the New Eyes incident. In the mornings, Mom now waits with the car idling until she’s satisfied I’ve made it inside the Boca Linda locker hall in one piece. The worst, though, is if I forget to lock my bedroom door at bedtime, and she happens to walk in on me while I have my contacts out. “Oh,” she says, her tone quick, clipped—as if she’s walked in on me naked, or masturbating—or masturbating naked with my contacts out. Oh.
The premise: After enduring yet another dinner accosted by the ever-flirtatious Mr. Nakayoshi, Theo sneaks upstairs to find an unexpected surprise waiting in his bedroom. Read the full episode here.
Trust me, I did my best to prevent it, but it looks like Vol. 5 of SuperMegaNet has gotten off to a moaning, groaning, snooze-button-pressing start over at That Blog Which Must Not Be Named. You may want to lay off the Internet for a few days until all the uncool has dissipated. Alternatively, a Firefox extension allowing you to block the site can be found here.
I look out the window and wonder how seriously I’d be injured if I throw myself from the car while it’s still moving. It feels like I’ve been stuck here since December of 2011 even though it’s only been five or ten minutes. Hitchhiking with a pedophile has that effect on the passage of time, particularly if you’re twelve years old and homeless.
(It doesn’t help that Justin Bieber keeps panting “baby, baby” over and over again.)
Robbie goes on to lament the loss of Logan Lerman to adulthood. I nod and mutter an obligatory “uh-huh” every few minutes, only vaguely paying attention. I just want the car to stop at a red light long enough for me to grab Mini and do a dive roll out the door. Speaking of Mini, he’s been busy gathering the most horrific evidence from beneath the passenger seat: a bottle of Jergens, a box of condoms, a camcorder, some kind of giant toy shaped like a man’s—
—that’s it. I’m jumping. I’d rather take my chances face-surfing the asphalt than sitting here waiting for Ernie’s boy-stalker to make his move. I reach for the door handle…
The premise: Jan realizes that he’s hitchhiking with Ernie’s pedophile “friend” (and possibly worse, a Justin Bieber fan). Meanwhile, Mini-Theo explains what “muff” is. Read the full episode here.
Mini looks at me with that same “I knew that” expression Theo gets whenever he asks an obvious question. After a moment: “You have a cell phone?”
“Sure. Why not?”
“Oh. I just assumed…I mean, no offense, but I didn’t think you could afford one.”
In fact, I can’t afford a cell phone. That’s why this is a prepaid. That’s why it took me two weeks of saving my lunch money to buy a cheap Tracfone from Wal-Mart. When my parents asked me where I’d gotten it from, I told them Theo bought it for me. When they insisted that I reimburse him, I took the money and bought more minutes. That’s how you do it when you’re poor and you don’t want to resort to out and out theft. Like, ski mask and crowbar theft.
The premise: Thanks to city public service’s having towed his parents’ apartment, Jan is now homeless and must figure out how to beg for enough change to ride the bus to Theo’s. Read the full episode here.
From the Did You Know? department: I wrote this week’s SuperMegaNet episode in my pimp-ass bathroom…because, with everyone home for the holidays, it’s the only place left where I can actually be alone with my thoughts. And be nude.
Ernie’s always ratting on Jan for being poor, but I’m thinking this actually doesn’t look at all like the crumbling, crime-infested poverty zone Theo had imagined—that is, until I reach the Kounicovas’ apartment complex, with its faded fudge exterior, three-quarters-dead lawn, and high-voltage power lines running directly overhead. The whole place looks like someone dropped a gigantic trailer into a muddy lot, and then it rained and the trailer took root and started growing more trailers over time.
The premise: Mini makes a last-ditch attempt to wrangle the gang back together by paying a visit to Jan’s apartment complex, and while there, something totally unexpected happens. Read the full episode here.
New SuperMegaNet episode posted over at that other URL:
Doing this sort of improvised, awkward back roll, I shift into a defensive crouch. “Theo? What are you…?” I pause, glancing down at the floor. The cutest little plush Theo doll has just squeezed its way through the crack beneath the door, and is now toddling toward my bed. Halfway to the point, it stops in its tracks and gawks at my non-existent breasts.
Ugh. Boys. Even in doll form they only have one thing on their minds.
I scowl and quickly put on a T-shirt.
The doll shakes its head, freed from the Siren-like effects of my chest. “Theo and Ernie are in trouble.”
Obligatory spoiler: Basically, Mini spills the beans regarding Theo’s secret crush…and flashes Eva…while making a desperate plea for help. Read the full episode here.
New SuperMegaNet episode posted. Here’s an excerpt (non-fans of Theo’s rich, potent spunk need not bother clicking through):
I glance around the bedroom. Mrs. Goodale’s mutant tirade attack has left the place a barren wasteland. Where once there were posters on the walls, there are now only dust outlines, remnants of Scotch tape; the shag carpeting is intact, but is wilted, like a once-mighty lawn of grass that’s gone for too long between waterings; the desk…well, let’s just say the 1970s called, and they want their pre-Commodore era panel desk back.
Ernie coughs loudly, clears his throat. He sounds like he’s catching a cold. “So…am I having a hunger hallucination or something?”
“Probably,” I say. “But that’s a good thing at the moment. It’s left you more open to the state of perceptive flux in which I exist.”
I tweeted about this a few days ago, but I should probably repeat it here as well: SuperMegaNet has been evicted from this blog and moved over to a blog of its own. The new URL for the webserial is:
If ever you needed an excuse to stop reading, this is it. I know I’m not going to put up with this shit anymore. ;)