Tag Archives: webserial

Where in the World is Jan Kounicova?

New SuperMegaNet:

“To what do we owe the unpleasant surprise?”

“We thought Eva could use a little company,” Summer replies.

“She’s already got company—” The lid pops off of Ernie’s pudding cup; banana cream spurts into his face, infiltrating eyes, mouth, and nostrils.

Eva’s jaw drops.

“I meant company in the non-satirical sense,” Summer snickers.

Ernie sets down his now-empty pudding cup and, with as much dignity as one can muster while wearing impromptu facial food, asks, “Did you practice that in front of your mirror this morning?”

“Nope. Made it up on the spot.”

“Charming. Get me a napkin.”

The premise: An exploding pudding cup, a jockette ambush, and Virtual Jan—this is not the way Theo expected to spend his lunch hour. Read the full episode here.

Bacon Maple Bars

Because it’s high time someone did a bacon maple bar-themed episode of the literary fungus that is SuperMegaNet:

Mini, sitting on the tabletop and lapping the icing off his own maple bar, scowls and says, “I don’t understand how you keep that LA Fitness ass of yours in business.” To me: “All this guy eats is tacos, Top Ramen, and donuts. I feel fat just talking to him.”

“I’m virtual, remember?” Beta says.

“Oh. Right.”

“And I’m wearing a skin. I don’t have to worry about what I eat.”

“So, what do you really look like, then?” Mini pauses. “Please don’t say Jeff Albertson.”

The premise: Beta installs a custom skin for Jan in an attempt to help him cope with his lost bytes. Read the full episode here.

Wang Shui

New SuperMegaNet spotted in the wild:

“Good morning, Rip Van Winkle,” Dad says to me, looking oblivious enough. He’s watching the morning news on his smartphone while he finishes off a cup of green tea. “We were just about to send a recovery team up to your room.”

“I didn’t sleep well last night,” I say quietly.

Dad nods. “Did you feel the earthquake?”

Feel it? I caused it! “No.”

“Just before dawn. It was a real shaker. Nothing on the news about it, though. They never cover San Angelico.”

Mom disappears into the kitchen, returns with my breakfast: oatmeal, yogurt—and a big yellow banana. “Eat up, sweetie. We leave in five.” She sets the oatmeal and yogurt in front of me, fiddles with the banana in a vain attempt to make it look as non-phallic as possible, finally just lets it go and returns to her seat.

I stir my oatmeal, poke at my yogurt…glare at the banana.

The premise: Snapgrabbing is defined on the morning news. Oh, and Anya has The Talk with Theo on the way to school. Read the full episode here.

4 – 7 Hz

Dear God no—a new SuperMegaNet episode has somehow been leaked unto the Interwebs. Officials are investigating.

Obligatory excerpt:

“I still can’t believe they towed your apartment.”

“That’s the city for you. A hundred bucks says they put up a mini-mall where your digs used to be and deny there was ever any wrongdoing.”

“Really?”

“Don’t listen to Beta. He likes to exaggerate. About Jan’s missing bytes, if you please.”

“It depends on how they were lost during transfer. They may be gone, they may be sitting on an SMN server somewhere, marked as deleted by the file system, but not yet overwritten. Trouble is, the more time passes, the more likely it is your bytes have been overwritten.”

“So, this is it, then. I’m stuck like this.”

“Let’s not hit the power button before the game’s over. Let me look at the error logs, nose around the Taurus servers a bit. I just don’t want to pull a Jen Barber and tell you I speak Italian when really I’m just winging it so that people will pay attention to me.”

“Who’s Jen Barber?”

“Oh, for fuck’s—come hell or high water, at some point today we’re binging on The IT Crowd…”

The premise: Beta offers Jan an unorthodox means of coping with his missing bytes. Read the full episode here.

Post-Traumatic Schlong Disorder

New SuperMegaNet:

I push the bathroom door open.

Inside, Theo’s put his clothes back on…more or less (his shirt’s inside out, and his pants look like they’ve found extra joints and crevices between his knees and hips). He’s kneeling slumped over the toilet bowl. His hair is mussed. There’s vomit running down his chin.

“What the hell happened to you?” I ask, stepping between puddles of puke (and what I sincerely hope is hand lotion) as I make my way to Theo’s side.

“I threw up,” he mumbles, dazed, half asleep, strung out on endorphins and rich, potent embarrassment.

“A less common way of finishing off a wank, I’ll give you that.”

The premise: Mini consoles Theo after a disasterous wank by informing him that he’s scored a 3/3 on his mom’s Parental Checklist. Read the full episode here.

The Fappening

New SuperMegaNet posted. Watch out for dickfoxes.

Obligatory excerpt:

I glance over at Beta, who’s explaining the intricacies of SuperMegaNet technology to Ernie and Jan while Ernie pokes at Jan’s pixelated form with a plastic spork. Assured that we’ve got a moment of relative privacy, I toddle up Theo’s arm and whisper into his ear, “Remember a few months ago when you were taking your morning shower and you spotted those first few short and curlies down below?”

Theo blushes. “Yeah.”

“That was the beginning—my beginning. That’s why I’m here. Like it or not, you’ve just dived headfirst into puberty. Like it or not, my power grows with each passing day, and if you keep suppressing me you’re going to explode like Emil Antonowsky in Robocop.”

Concern crosses Theo’s face. “Wait, really?”

“Well, maybe you won’t explode,” I say, ignoring the temptation to lie outright, “but you’ll certainly run the risk of becoming one of the pubescent undead, an animated body without a single spark of life inside. You’ll spend your teenage years lurching around the Boca Linda cafeteria, trying to hit on girls, but instead just drooling on their tits and leaving behind fetid chunks of boy-flesh in their Jell-O fruit cups.”

Theo looks totally grossed out.

Good—that means I’m getting to him.

The premise: Theo finally bows to Mini’s demands regarding proper care and feeding of his spunk—with disastrous results. Read the full episode here.

Suspected Crush

If you like boners, this is the SuperMegaNet episode for you:

Theo suddenly appears beside my bed. It looks as if he’s accidentally downloaded himself into my room by hitting buttons on his phone at random.

It also looks like he’s got a giant boner.

I’d been half asleep, but now I jolt upright, scooting into a sitting position with my back against the headboard, my knees tucked against my chest. With one hand I hold the blanket up to my chin; with the other I aim my phone light at Theo. “Ew! You did not just download into my bedroom with a boner!”

“Huh?” Theo blinks in the semi-darkness, glances down at the comically-oversized pup tent pitched between his legs—and sort of creates his own real-time fail video, making as if to cup his hands over his groin, stumbling away from the bed and across the room, tripping, and falling into Jack Skellington and Co. He takes down my entire collection with a muffled gasp and a soft thud.

“Theo?” I whisper, muting my phone entirely so as to banish the sounds of fucking still blaring from his phone on the other end.

“Um, yeah?” he whispers back, lying crumpled between Jack and Sally.

“What in the world are you doing?”

Theo sighs. “Oh, just having some kind of twisted nightmare. Before Christmas.”

The premise: Theo’s crush on Eva becomes known when he accidentally downloads into her bedroom in the middle of the night…with a boner. Aka, “The Dubious Misadventures of Boner Boy.” Read the full episode here.

Cake Snot

“My parents are outside.”

“Good—we got back just in time.”

“How’s that good?”

“It’s when they go back inside to check on you, that’s when you have to worry. Out here, they’re distracted by meaningless adult smalltalk. They’re not paying attention to anything but their own silent prayers that Nakayoshi will finally get into his car and drive home for the night. We can sneak in the back way.”

“There is no back way,” I say. “We have a side way.” I point to the side gate that leads into my parents’ backyard.

“Then we hop the fence. Piece of cake.”

“Yeah—a three-hundred-pound piece of cake.” I gesture at Ernie, who gives me the finger—and then proceeds to sneeze frosting. Or maybe it’s just snot. It’s hard to tell in the low light.

Either way: total grossness.

SuperMegaNet, unborn episode