Tag Archives: writing

No Substitutions

Looks like another SuperMegaNet episode just slipped past quarantine:

Look at Jan 2.0. The jockettes are all over him, oohing and awing and squeezing his biceps, palpitating his pecs, literally absorbing him like two giant girl-shaped amoebas. I’ve let them have that side of the table—not because they ousted me or anything, but because I prefer this side. Always have. And anyway, I don’t need to be all up in Janny Boy’s shit. So with his fancy new skin he’s ditched his ridiculous orange frizz for a natural brown buzzcut. So he’s sporting a pair of earring studs. So his physique is all American Ninja Warrior. I don’t see what the fuss is about. It’s not like he can turn water into soda or feed the entire cafeteria with a single loaf of Hawaiian bread.

Crap. I could go for a loaf of Hawaiian bread right about now.

The premise: The gang acclimates to having lunch with Virtual Jan. Meanwhile, Theo defends his decision not to buy Ernie any snacks. Read the full episode here.

Where in the World is Jan Kounicova?

New SuperMegaNet:

“To what do we owe the unpleasant surprise?”

“We thought Eva could use a little company,” Summer replies.

“She’s already got company—” The lid pops off of Ernie’s pudding cup; banana cream spurts into his face, infiltrating eyes, mouth, and nostrils.

Eva’s jaw drops.

“I meant company in the non-satirical sense,” Summer snickers.

Ernie sets down his now-empty pudding cup and, with as much dignity as one can muster while wearing impromptu facial food, asks, “Did you practice that in front of your mirror this morning?”

“Nope. Made it up on the spot.”

“Charming. Get me a napkin.”

The premise: An exploding pudding cup, a jockette ambush, and Virtual Jan—this is not the way Theo expected to spend his lunch hour. Read the full episode here.

Bacon Maple Bars

Because it’s high time someone did a bacon maple bar-themed episode of the literary fungus that is SuperMegaNet:

Mini, sitting on the tabletop and lapping the icing off his own maple bar, scowls and says, “I don’t understand how you keep that LA Fitness ass of yours in business.” To me: “All this guy eats is tacos, Top Ramen, and donuts. I feel fat just talking to him.”

“I’m virtual, remember?” Beta says.

“Oh. Right.”

“And I’m wearing a skin. I don’t have to worry about what I eat.”

“So, what do you really look like, then?” Mini pauses. “Please don’t say Jeff Albertson.”

The premise: Beta installs a custom skin for Jan in an attempt to help him cope with his lost bytes. Read the full episode here.

Wang Shui

New SuperMegaNet spotted in the wild:

“Good morning, Rip Van Winkle,” Dad says to me, looking oblivious enough. He’s watching the morning news on his smartphone while he finishes off a cup of green tea. “We were just about to send a recovery team up to your room.”

“I didn’t sleep well last night,” I say quietly.

Dad nods. “Did you feel the earthquake?”

Feel it? I caused it! “No.”

“Just before dawn. It was a real shaker. Nothing on the news about it, though. They never cover San Angelico.”

Mom disappears into the kitchen, returns with my breakfast: oatmeal, yogurt—and a big yellow banana. “Eat up, sweetie. We leave in five.” She sets the oatmeal and yogurt in front of me, fiddles with the banana in a vain attempt to make it look as non-phallic as possible, finally just lets it go and returns to her seat.

I stir my oatmeal, poke at my yogurt…glare at the banana.

The premise: Snapgrabbing is defined on the morning news. Oh, and Anya has The Talk with Theo on the way to school. Read the full episode here.

4 – 7 Hz

Dear God no—a new SuperMegaNet episode has somehow been leaked unto the Interwebs. Officials are investigating.

Obligatory excerpt:

“I still can’t believe they towed your apartment.”

“That’s the city for you. A hundred bucks says they put up a mini-mall where your digs used to be and deny there was ever any wrongdoing.”

“Really?”

“Don’t listen to Beta. He likes to exaggerate. About Jan’s missing bytes, if you please.”

“It depends on how they were lost during transfer. They may be gone, they may be sitting on an SMN server somewhere, marked as deleted by the file system, but not yet overwritten. Trouble is, the more time passes, the more likely it is your bytes have been overwritten.”

“So, this is it, then. I’m stuck like this.”

“Let’s not hit the power button before the game’s over. Let me look at the error logs, nose around the Taurus servers a bit. I just don’t want to pull a Jen Barber and tell you I speak Italian when really I’m just winging it so that people will pay attention to me.”

“Who’s Jen Barber?”

“Oh, for fuck’s—come hell or high water, at some point today we’re binging on The IT Crowd…”

The premise: Beta offers Jan an unorthodox means of coping with his missing bytes. Read the full episode here.

Post-Traumatic Schlong Disorder

New SuperMegaNet:

I push the bathroom door open.

Inside, Theo’s put his clothes back on…more or less (his shirt’s inside out, and his pants look like they’ve found extra joints and crevices between his knees and hips). He’s kneeling slumped over the toilet bowl. His hair is mussed. There’s vomit running down his chin.

“What the hell happened to you?” I ask, stepping between puddles of puke (and what I sincerely hope is hand lotion) as I make my way to Theo’s side.

“I threw up,” he mumbles, dazed, half asleep, strung out on endorphins and rich, potent embarrassment.

“A less common way of finishing off a wank, I’ll give you that.”

The premise: Mini consoles Theo after a disasterous wank by informing him that he’s scored a 3/3 on his mom’s Parental Checklist. Read the full episode here.

The Fappening

New SuperMegaNet posted. Watch out for dickfoxes.

Obligatory excerpt:

I glance over at Beta, who’s explaining the intricacies of SuperMegaNet technology to Ernie and Jan while Ernie pokes at Jan’s pixelated form with a plastic spork. Assured that we’ve got a moment of relative privacy, I toddle up Theo’s arm and whisper into his ear, “Remember a few months ago when you were taking your morning shower and you spotted those first few short and curlies down below?”

Theo blushes. “Yeah.”

“That was the beginning—my beginning. That’s why I’m here. Like it or not, you’ve just dived headfirst into puberty. Like it or not, my power grows with each passing day, and if you keep suppressing me you’re going to explode like Emil Antonowsky in Robocop.”

Concern crosses Theo’s face. “Wait, really?”

“Well, maybe you won’t explode,” I say, ignoring the temptation to lie outright, “but you’ll certainly run the risk of becoming one of the pubescent undead, an animated body without a single spark of life inside. You’ll spend your teenage years lurching around the Boca Linda cafeteria, trying to hit on girls, but instead just drooling on their tits and leaving behind fetid chunks of boy-flesh in their Jell-O fruit cups.”

Theo looks totally grossed out.

Good—that means I’m getting to him.

The premise: Theo finally bows to Mini’s demands regarding proper care and feeding of his spunk—with disastrous results. Read the full episode here.

Suspected Crush

If you like boners, this is the SuperMegaNet episode for you:

Theo suddenly appears beside my bed. It looks as if he’s accidentally downloaded himself into my room by hitting buttons on his phone at random.

It also looks like he’s got a giant boner.

I’d been half asleep, but now I jolt upright, scooting into a sitting position with my back against the headboard, my knees tucked against my chest. With one hand I hold the blanket up to my chin; with the other I aim my phone light at Theo. “Ew! You did not just download into my bedroom with a boner!”

“Huh?” Theo blinks in the semi-darkness, glances down at the comically-oversized pup tent pitched between his legs—and sort of creates his own real-time fail video, making as if to cup his hands over his groin, stumbling away from the bed and across the room, tripping, and falling into Jack Skellington and Co. He takes down my entire collection with a muffled gasp and a soft thud.

“Theo?” I whisper, muting my phone entirely so as to banish the sounds of fucking still blaring from his phone on the other end.

“Um, yeah?” he whispers back, lying crumpled between Jack and Sally.

“What in the world are you doing?”

Theo sighs. “Oh, just having some kind of twisted nightmare. Before Christmas.”

The premise: Theo’s crush on Eva becomes known when he accidentally downloads into her bedroom in the middle of the night…with a boner. Aka, “The Dubious Misadventures of Boner Boy.” Read the full episode here.

Theo Downloads Pr0n

As if the world doesn’t have enough problems, a new SuperMegaNet episode has sneaked past the police tape and made its way online:

This is Ernie’s dying wish?” Theo exclaims. “For me to download porn for him?”

“To you and me, it’s just porn, but to Ernie, well, somewhere along the Goodale/Womack evolutionary line the libido got crossed with the digestive system. Ernie’s incessant eating is the result of generations of unnatural selection. He eats food to feed his libido, and consumes porn to feed his body.”

Theo pays Ernie another glance. “That actually makes more sense than it should.”

The premise: As Ernie’s health continues to deteriorate, Mini proposes a radical new medical procedure that may very well save his life. Read the full episode here.

Uncle Solo

New SuperMegaNet after the jump:

A pale, middle-aged woman clearly afflicted with some sort of walking dead sickness uploads into the room, shuffles into a chair. Like Beta, she placates Doctor Pain’s infamous terms of service dialog box without reading it first, and I have to wonder if anyone who uploads here reads anything.

“What do you think her problem is?” I whisper to Beta—id est, is she contagious?

“You don’t have to worry about catching anything here.” Beta waves his hand at the red McAffe shield hanging on the wall. “They’ve got anti-virus installed.”

“Yes, but McAffe?”

“What would you prefer?”

“Avira. Or a hardened Linux box.”

Beta snorts. “I doubt she’s sick enough to warrant hard Linux. Besides, the day I go to a Linux-based clinic is the day I forgive the GNOME team for the orgy of inconsistency that is GNOME Shell.”

The premise: To pass the time in an online waiting room, Theo uses “moniker” in a sentence while Beta applies the Kobayashi Maru scenario to real life. Read the full episode here.